One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
Last edited by mcornelio; 05-31-2006 at 12:45 PM.
A Doctor comes back to his patient carrying some test results.
- I have a bad news and a good one.
- What's the bad news?
- You only have two more weeks to live.
- Oh my God that's horrible, so what's the good news?
- Do you see that cute blonde nurse down by the instrument tray?
- yes...
- I had sex with her yesterday!
trying to jump the GrandCanyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tellsthem that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is
Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the
holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..." "Wrong!, You must go to " replies St.
Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,
"What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the
holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at
the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly
Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to , and then peers
over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,
"What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks
St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says
St.Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a
large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The
third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
That one is funny.
why are most hurricanes named after women?
because when they first come they are wet and wild and when its all over they take your cars and house.....
That is messed up!
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in
the month when all a man has to do is open his
mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as
a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
A redneck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
A physics professor pulled up to his house about 4 a.m., looking disheveled, hair mussed, clothes misbuttoned. He tried to sneak in the front door put to his chagrin his wife was waiting for him with arms crossed.
"Where have you been?", she said accusingly.
"Well, honey, I can't lie to you. I was driving home and there was a car pulled over on the side of the road with its hood up. I stopped and a beautiful young woman was having car problems. I helped her fix her car and she bought me a drink at a bar in gra ude. Well, one drink led to another, and then one thing led to another, and the next thing I knew we were in a cheap motel room. I am so ashamed of myself honey, I don't know what to say. Please forgive me."
His wife raised her eyebrows and said, "You're a damn liar. You were working in that damn lab again, weren't you?"
His wife raised her eyebrows and said, "You're a damn liar. You were working in that damn lab again, weren't you?"
a male doctor is giving a woman a physical and when the doctor advises the woman to undress for the full examination the woman tells him " I'm so shy and nervous , I couldn't do that"
the doctor says " I can assure you I am a professional" "would you feel better if I turned out the lights and did the exam" the woman said "oh yes that would be wonderful"
So the doctor turned off the lights and after a few seconds the woman says " ok my clothes are off where should I put them ?
and the doctor says " on the floor next to mine"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
A woman goes in to her doctor's office and says, "Doctor I need to talk to you about some the hormone treatments you prescribed."
So the doctor takes her back to an exam room and she undoes the top two buttons of her top, showing him a large patch of thick chest hair. The doctor says, "Oh my! How much of that is there?"
The woman replies, "It's all over my front, from my chest all the way to my balls!"
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
A man was walking by a prison....
What?
Oh... I guess someone spilled the beans... This joke has lost is luster you say?
Darn.
Year after year the wife asked, "What do you want for your birthday?" Every year came the same answer, "A blowjob." Every year same wifey excuse, "No, I won't do that because you won't respect me."
So, after twenty-something years of the same scenario, wife surprises him on the morning of his birthday by giving him a bj. Afterwards, while both are still laying in the bed, the phone rings and he answers it. "Just a minute," he says, handing the phone to her, "It's for you, sucker."
That is so wrong . . .
we have a winner...
Well, thank you. Now where's my prize?
we have a winner...
I just received this from my sister via e-mail.
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 35 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 35 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I'm golfing."
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
An obviously drunk woman stumbles into a bar late one night.
She wobbles up to the bar, leans up against it and says "Beertender? Let me have a triple martoonie and put a pickle in it". The guy fixes her a drink, and she wanders off to a table.
A little bit later, the woman comes back, and repeats her order: "Beertender? Make me another triple martoonie, and put a pickle in it!". Again, the man fills her order, and she heads back to her table.
A short time after that, there she is again at the bar. "Beertender? Gimme another triple martoonie and put a pickle in it!". By now you can see that the bartender is a bit ticked off, but he makes her a fresh drink, and she wobbles off to her table yet again.
A little bit after that, she comes up to the bar once again and says "Beertender? Let me have another triple martoonie, but this time, you better hold the pickle, because I think I'm getting heartburn.".
The bartender can no longer hold back, so he says to her,
"Look, lady, it's not "beertender"; it's "bartender".
It's not a "martoonie"; it's a "martini".
It's not a pickle; it's an olive.
And you don't have heartburn; you got your left hanging in the ashtray!"
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f------ blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my Testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says." For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."
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