Can a relationship survive this?

[Jimcs50]

Cars, Houses and material things can wait. Either keep the baby or give it up for adoption.

[Sapphire]

What if she agreed to not have children at all costs until the set date?

Is it out of the realm of possibility that she is the one changing the rules of their agreement?

There never is a clear-cut bottom line. Bottom line.

They were having sex, so there is not a 100% guarantee that a baby is not in the realm of possibility. Both of them are grown-ups so I am sure they understood this little tidbit. If she duped him by becoming pregnant on purpose, then she's made a huge mistake. I just feel this relationship is not off to a good start at all, and my prediction is that it's doomed. And I stand by my "bottom line" statement, whatever the cir stances are surrounding the pregnancy. The baby is going to get in his way.

Sounds like Scott Peterson.

[easjer]

I can 100% guarantee that she did not trick him into pregnancy or become pregnant on purpose. I can also guarantee that her fiance would not do anything physically to harm her. I can't guarantee that he would stand by her if she decided to have a baby (though I suspect he would, because I believe he's a fundamentally good guy who got really thrown for a loop), but I can guarantee he wouldn't harm her.

[Sapphire]

That's good to hear. I just thought about Scott Peterson while I was responding. And statistics show that pregnancy is a very dangerous time for women as far as domestic abuse is concerned. I'm glad to know that your friend is not in any danger.

It's a very sad situation, especially when so many couples suffer from infertility. I know your friends want a child in the future, and I would never want them to be denied that joy. My only point is that so many couples would be completely overjoyed to finally be pregnant, and it just sucks to have ANY sadness at all during what should be such a happy time. Life can be so cruel.

[Kori Ellis]

I can 100% guarantee that she did not trick him into pregnancy or become pregnant on purpose. I can also guarantee that her fiance would not do anything physically to harm her. I can't guarantee that he would stand by her if she decided to have a baby (though I suspect he would, because I believe he's a fundamentally good guy who got really thrown for a loop), but I can guarantee he wouldn't harm her.

Sorry, but I don't think you can guarantee any of those things. You might believe they are highly unlikely, but you don't know for sure.

My guess is the guy initially freaked out and jumped right to thinking that she should have an abortion. After they talk about it, if they make a mutual decision (either way), then their relationship can survive fine. If it's not a mutual decison (she gives in and has an abortion to keep him, or he agrees to have a baby even though it's not what he wants), then it will always be a point of problems. And though their relationship may survive, they won't necessarily get passed it.

[whottt]

I think if the guy just flat out told her to terminate it...he's a prick.


It can work out if she doesn't want to be in control of her own life and just wants to put him in charge of it...which, since he obviously gave her no consideration on whether or not to have the abortion...is going to be a bad idea on her part. Then again...some women like that kind of man...I think they think they're strong or something.

It can work out if she let's this guy have control...and if the is that type...then this baby is probably better off aborted(or put up for adoptionl).





The rest of the stuff people are talking about...abortion right or wrong....that's not the issue here. It's about the fact that he just told her to terminate it...he's a head IMO.

[PM5K]

Couple things to add:

First, to those that say he can't handle lifes curvballs, having a kid isn't a curvball, it's getting hit in the head with a fastball, having your car break down is a curvball.

Second, yes they can survive, these types of decisions are made every day and couples get through it.

[Sapphire]

Fast ball, curve ball, knuckle ball, either way. He is a knee-jerk reactor. I bet if you look at his history he reacts in similar ways to the "curve balls" as well. I'm not putting the guy down for that. It's a behavior that he's learned and she is better off discovering that now, rather than later. And like I said before--survive, yes? Thrive and grow, probably not--if there is resentment it will manifest in countless other ways. Yes, people make decisions like this every day, but that doesn't mean their relationships are good.

[ploto]

I wonder though if the story is 100% accurate as to how the conversation went because we are only hearing from one person- one very emotional upset person. It did not sound to me like he just flat out demanded she do this with no regard to her. Didn't the original post say she was considering an abortion herself? So, if she asked what he wanted and that is what he said then why is she so up in arms if she was aready considering it as an option. I did not get the impression that she was jumping for joy and he was discussing something that she is morally opposed to.


I am sorry but women who get pregnant take this option in vast quan ies on a daily basis- so where is the claim that they are all unable to handle the curve balls of life. People are claiming this man does not want to take responsibility but look at all the women who seem to think it fine when they do not. Again, I am sorry, but women have the power to keep from getting pregnant, and given that they have to carry the baby they need to take that primary responsibility.

[MannyIsGod]

You really think anyone can possibly answer this question with any shred of validity? I mean seriously? Its funny to see people form opinions on the man based on a story told in 2 paragraphs as though this situation could be explained so simply.

[mrsmaalox]

I wonder though if the story is 100% accurate as to how the conversation went because we are only hearing from one person- one very emotional upset person. It did not sound to me like he just flat out demanded she do this with no regard to her. Didn't the original post say she was considering an abortion herself? So, if she asked what he wanted and that is what he said then why is she so up in arms if she was aready considering it as an option. I did not get the impression that she was jumping for joy and he was discussing something that she is morally opposed to.


I am sorry but women who get pregnant take this option in vast quan ies on a daily basis- so where is the claim that they are all unable to handle the curve balls of life. People are claiming this man does not want to take responsibility but look at all the women who seem to think it fine when they do not. Again, I am sorry, but women have the power to keep from getting pregnant, and given that they have to carry the baby they need to take that primary responsibility.

You make several good points. But I have to disagree with the last sentence. If a girl is out playing the field then, yes, she would have to be stupid not to take primary responsibility. But in a committed relationship that is supposed to change. If it doesn't then there is a serious problem that will doom the relationship anyway.

[DisgruntledLionFan#54,927]

They were having sex, so there is not a 100% guarantee that a baby is not in the realm of possibility. Both of them are grown-ups so I am sure they understood this little tidbit. If she duped him by becoming pregnant on purpose, then she's made a huge mistake. I just feel this relationship is not off to a good start at all, and my prediction is that it's doomed. And I stand by my "bottom line" statement, whatever the cir stances are surrounding the pregnancy. The baby is going to get in his way.

Sounds like Scott Peterson.

You misunderstood me.

What if they both agreed to have an abortion if she were to become pregnant and now she's changed her mind?

It is possible for a woman to change her mind, you know.

[easjer]

Well, Manny, you almost never have the full story on the internet, yet people form judgments all the time. I was interested in other people's reactions, especially since I can't talk to anyone else about this.

And it's been a very interesting discussion. It's not like I planned to forward the link this thread to her and tell her, hey, this is what lots of random people said about your situation and you so you should take it all to heart!

[Quasar]

I get upset if I think I've forced Jason into eating someplace he didn't want to. I can't imagine how I'd feel about thinking I forced him into fatherhood, you know?

How do you force someone into fatherhood? Did she rape him?

No one was forced into having sex, and there IS a good reason why condoms and pills have a 99.x% chance of preventing pregnancy instead of 100%.

My baby girl was just born 5 weeks ago... and I must say I have been amazed with the whole process ever since day 1 of the pregnancy. At a few weeks old during our first echography session, the baby was already 'swimming' around the uterus and reacting to outside influences (e.g. pushing the scanner 'deeper' to get a better reading). It was only after experiencing this that I really understood the horror of abortion... It really IS a life since day 1!

[BacktoBasics]

It doesn't matter how good a man's plan is. If a woman is involved the plan will surely be redirected to the "long way" of getting done. As shallow and trival as most people take relationships these days, I doubt a substantial issue like this is something that will be indicative of surviving the long haul.

[Bigzax]

sad to hear. i hope they keep the kid and push on together!

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

It seems to me that this guy let his fiance know where his heart lies when he asked her to terminate. Your friend may forgive him for asking her to end the pregnancy, but I guarantee you that she will never forget.

In my opinion this is one of those foundation cracking events. Regardless of what these two decide to do about the pregnancy, his reaction to her announcement will forever be etched into their relationship. Now, if she terminates, she'll be haunted by the pregnancy she gave up for the rest of her life, and she always know she did it because of her fiance. If she has the baby he'll forever look back at everything he gave up and sacrificed to make it work.

To be honest, the only thing that can really salvage the relationship would be for him to man up, have a change of heart and support her. Things will undoubtedly be tougher financially, than they had planned, but since when does life go according to plan? Overcoming obstacles together will bind them together. Ending the pregnancy because it is more economically and planning convenient will leave permanent scars.

The ball is really in his court I think. He needs to go and support her and love her, and let her know that his initial reaction was out of fear and panic. If he can screw his head back on straight and think past his own needs this relationship can be salvaged. If they have the baby they'll look back someday and not only have that child as a reflection of their love, but will also have the strength in their relationship in knowing what they overcame to bring her/him into this world and be a family.

But, as I said, it's going to take his being able to get past a feeling that he's giving something up, or losing out, or his 'plans' have been wasted.

[JoeChalupa]

Every relationship is different and where as one relationship may be able to survive such a situation another will not. Some couples can survive adultery while others can not. Personally I don't play the forgiveness card when it comes to adultery. No way.
The only sure way to avoid an unwanted or planned pregnancy is abstinence. I for one would never ask for an abortion. Life has many bumps and curves and they must be dealt with together if you are in a serious relationship. Together we stand, divided we fall.
Good luck.

[MaNuMaNiAc]

How do you force someone into fatherhood? Did she rape him?

No one was forced into having sex, and there IS a good reason why condoms and pills have a 99.x% chance of preventing pregnancy instead of 100%.

My baby girl was just born 5 weeks ago... and I must say I have been amazed with the whole process ever since day 1 of the pregnancy. At a few weeks old during our first echography session, the baby was already 'swimming' around the uterus and reacting to outside influences (e.g. pushing the scanner 'deeper' to get a better reading). It was only after experiencing this that I really understood the horror of abortion... It really IS a life since day 1!

Welcome to a world of differing opinions! You think its a life since day one, other people don't. Its a never ending argument. The point here is the relationship, NOT weather or not she should do the abortion!

[MaNuMaNiAc]

You really think anyone can possibly answer this question with any shred of validity? I mean seriously? Its funny to see people form opinions on the man based on a story told in 2 paragraphs as though this situation could be explained so simply.

I completely second this!

[JoeChalupa]

Well, Manny, you almost never have the full story on the internet, yet people form judgments all the time. I was interested in other people's reactions, especially since I can't talk to anyone else about this.

And it's been a very interesting discussion. It's not like I planned to forward the link this thread to her and tell her, hey, this is what lots of random people said about your situation and you so you should take it all to heart!

Does anyone besides the parties involved ever know the full story? Impossible I say. But it doesn't mean one cannot form an opinion based on what they know or think they know. We all do it almost constantly.

[easjer]

Does anyone besides the parties involved ever know the full story? Impossible I say. But it doesn't mean one cannot form an opinion based on what they know or think they know. We all do it almost constantly.

That's what I was getting at.

[MannyIsGod]

You can always form an opinion and that doesn't mean its not baseless.

[easjer]

You can always form an opinion and that doesn't mean its not baseless.

That's very true. Fair, excellent point.

[JoeChalupa]

You can always form an opinion and that doesn't mean its not baseless.

Then wouldn't that make almost all opinions baseless since only the parties involved really know all the story? But I get what you mean. Good point.