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And before rampant speculation starts - this is most definitely NOT SFIE and me. We are planning to start trying for kids sometime in the new year.
I have a friend in real life who just confided to me that she is pregnant. This is wildly unplanned, complete accident sort of thing. Her fiance is really, really unhappy about it, because it really screws up their plans for the future (they were getting married in June, had plans to buy a house and a new car, she was supposed to start law school in August, which is when she's due).
In fact, he's asked her terminate the pregnancy.
She's really upset right now. She's unsure about whether or not she wants to have the baby (although she loves kids and really wants to be a mother - they had not planned on children until she passed the bar - over 3 years from now). But she is really upset that he asked her terminate, because she doesn't know what happens if she decides not to.
Without arguing over whether or not you personally believe abortion is a good/viable/necessary/evil/terrible option - do you think a relationship can survive such a thing? It seems very much like a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing.
And before rampant speculation starts - this is most definitely NOT SFIE and me. We are planning to start trying for kids sometime in the new year.
It does.
If he asked her to terminate the pregnancy without a discussion first about how they both felt about this unexpected event, it seems harsh.
If she's uncertain about what will happen if she doesn't terminate the pregnancy it sounds like that conversation didn't happen.
Rock and a hard place.
I hope whatever decision she makes sits well with her, because from what you've told us, he doesn't sound very loving.
No, I've met him, I believe he loves her very much. I just think this really threw him badly. He had not planned on trying for kids for over 3 years. I am guessing, based on what I know about him, that if she decided to keep the baby, he would stand by her - but it's pretty insidious how that could with her head and how it could all affect things down the line, you know?
I get upset if I think I've forced Jason into eating someplace he didn't want to. I can't imagine how I'd feel about thinking I forced him into fatherhood, you know?
I would think that if she goes through with the abortion but has doubts then it could possibly be one of the worst things she could do. Not only would it hurt emotionally if/when she does have a child and sees what she gave up but it could also lead to major resentment and cause a division between the couple anyway.
They really need to sit down and discuss it together and she should probably tell him how she feels.
Whatever the decision I wish the best of luck and hope the decision between the two is mutual.
That could bother the relationship forever.
And come out at the least expected times. Some silly spat and all of a sudden one of them blames the other for being a parent before they wanted to or were "ready."
I don't know if anyone is ever "ready" for children. You can try to be where you want in life before actively trying, but sometimes accidents happen.
And they can turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Lots of people have babies and continue to go to school, work, whatever.
But it should be welcomed by both of them.
Otherwise I think there could be trouble down the line.
I don't think there should even be a question. They're dumbasses for not being more careful...and if they were and it happened anyways, then it's supposed to happen. In either case...they should have it. Abortions can cause long term physical and emotional damage. It would go on to haunt them forever. Most pregnancies are blessings and should be treated as such. They may never get another chance. I know it throws their plans off...but too bad...suck it up and move on.
NO.......
if he is this quick to terminate a new life, imagine how quick he will terminate their relationship when life's UNEXPECTED turns come their way again.
This man is not worth the time of day.......
At least he says what he thinks rather than some lame 'whatever you think is best' excuse. You're not automatically a candidate for a break up because you say something unpopular or uncomfortable in the cause of honesty and open communication. She doesn't know if she wants to keep it anyway so it's not like she's the pro-life poster child and he's the devil incarnate for saying something that's obviously on both of their minds.
I'd think that if they can get through this, whether she chooses abortion or parenthood, they can get through anything. Of course, if she aborts because of him (or her fears that if she has the child, he will resent her and/or the baby) and not as a mutual decision they make as a couple, all bets are off.
Good luck, nameless Houstonian college couple.
Damn what a punk. How the are you asking a women to be your fiancee and then when she comes up pregnant you tell her to get an abortion? Its not his body so he really shouldn't have much say. If he didn't want a baby then he should have practiced safe sex. I mean its not like they're teenagers or something, they're adults. They should now better. And from what I've heard abortions are extremely hard on women both physically and emotionally. The ONLY time I see abortion even remotely understandable is when its a rape victim. But if he really loved her then he'd be happy. Not only is a baby a gift, but also a symbol of a a couples love for one another.
As for the question. Its 50/50. It all depends on how their situation is resolved. But yeah they do have a chance.
I think it can survive this but I also can see things from his point of view. I think that if a man doesn't feel he can be a father...then the woman should have an abortion. It's better for him to actually be ready than for him to grow up resentful about being a dad.
I think the relationship can survive if they are both strong...but I can understand why he is asking for it. I would too.
they both need to move on.... in' waste of time trying to fix something that will always be used as ammuntion against her.
I speak from experience
A relationship can survive this situation, but only if both people involved are in agreement (this is my opinion, of course). Compromises are necessary in relationships, but this is not an ordinary case. If either one feels obligated to choose one of the alternatives (abortion or parenthood), it will most likely cause serious problems later on (resentment comes to mind).
They need to sit down and talk. Personally, I would rather sacrifice school and future plans before terminating the life of my unborn child. I'm not a father, but I am an uncle - and like others have said, having children is a blessing. But they might view things differently, and that's fine - as long as they agree with each other.
Good luck to them.
Honestly, they don't sound very smart. If they didn't have plans to have kids in the near future and have discussed it, why the didn't they discuss the possibility of an unexpected pregnancy?
Are they morons?
Destined for failure, IMO.
oh give us a ing break! Its not his body, so he shouldn't have a say? Fine, then if men don't have a say on weather or not to abort, they shouldn't be forced to pay child support huh? Its not that ing simple.
Basically it boils down to wether you believe abortion is a viable option. Sixth Man over here obviously doesn't. Personally, I think its something both parents should discuss and make an informed, well thought out decision about what is in both their best interests.
In the end its a tricky question to ask on a message board. You'll always get righteous idiots trying to impose their beliefs on you. In the end, the right choice is something that your friends are going to have to come up with on their own.
Having said that, if the dude gave your friend an ultimatum, then yes, he is a ing ! He's not considering her feelings on this, which is bull .
hes a ..... i hope someones shoots him dead for forcing a woman to make that kind of decision....
Absolutely agree. The guy did the wrong thing in telling her what to do - that is a decision that they should be making together, neither side should be commanding the other.
Any couple that are serious about each other should discuss pregnancy ASAP after they know they are serious about a future IMHO. It's important to know where you each stand on pregnancy/abortion/etc. before this kind of thing arises.
Terminate the baby. You could end up losing owning a house, a car, and being a lawyer. Single-celled organisms come and go, the faster the termination, the faster it is from being considered a sentient being/human.
I think this question is entirely dependent on the people involved.
Could my wife and I have handled this situation had it occured when we were engaged and I was about to be sent off on my job....absolutely, without any heistation. I wouldn't imagine that to be the best situation for having a child, but the two most important things would shine through in that moment....love for eachother and respect for life.
However, as I said at the top, it is entirely dependent on the two individuals. I would expect a great deal of resentment by either party for whatever decision is made, unless they can come to an agreement of what is more important.
If I were her, I'd have the kid and bank on "daddy" falling in love. If his heart is in the right place, he'll come around.
I hope you're...
a) a troll
b) a kid with no significant relationship or understanding of true responsibility
c) kidding
or
d) all of the above
Well, I think the problem is that those opinions can change when abstract situations are staring you in the face and the reality is that this is happening to you. I think it's easy to say you would never have a baby if you weren't financially prepared until you see two pink lines and realize that your baby is growing inside you, and I think it's easy to say that you could never have an abortion until you realize you have no possible means for caring for a child because you cannot possibly pay for both rent and daycare.
I have no idea what is going to happen - and frankly, she is still so early (just 4 weeks) that there is still a very high risk of miscarriage. Thanks for the good thoughts for them.
My e-self falls into all three of the catogeries. Well, let me ask a serious question: When did she become pregnant and how long has it been since then.
IMHO if it's really early in the pregenancy then there should be no moral guilt, because it's isn't even considered human, there are no major organ developing etc..., if there is moral guilt in that, then there should be guilt in the morning after pill and other contraceptives.
Last edited by E20; 12-16-2007 at 12:00 AM.
I think E20 was being sarcastic, since the things mentioned in the first post in regards to my friend's fiance were materially based. I could be wrong.
They can survive. I got pregnant just as my husband was starting med school. In San Francisco, which y'all know is $$$. That's when I started telecommuting, but what I made was peanuts for the cost of living there. My son was not planned at the time (we had already been married 2.5 years). Like Ducan228 said, no matter how you plan, you're never ready.
It was very tough at times and we even had another kid during med school years, but we pulled through and I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Yeah, at udes to things do change when they actually occur, but if you've had the conversation at least you have a starting point. He made a big mistake in telling her to terminate - that's just a horrible thing to say to a woman and she may resent him for it regardless of her decision.
Good luck to them, glad I'm not in their situation.
On an abstract level, isn't this a sign of how materially focussed we have become (to a large extent out of necessity)? It has become so expensive to live, let alone raise kids, that people have to base their important life decisions almost entirely on finances, although in her case it's also about career. if they didn't have financial pressure, this would be a much easier decision, but because they have to worry about money too, it could destroy their relationship.
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