Advice Wanted- ( Serious answers please)

[Man of Steel]

I am most likely to be one of those girls who has a best guy pal and then suddenly one day realizes she is in love with him.

That seems like me.

Or...

You might be saying this someday...



Julianne Potter: Michael... I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?

Or this:


Julianne Potter: I'm pond s . Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond s .
Michael O'Neill: Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond s . On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering.
Julianne Potter: Except it makes me fungus.

[baseline bum]

You should just tell him no. Not dating people you work with is a good idea, but if you tell him that it sounds like a lie and a cheap excuse to back out.

From your post it seems like you aren't at all interested in even being friends, so why go on what will be almost certainly be a miserable date for the both of you? His confidence will be even worse when he thinks he blew it by being lame on the date.

Don't try to please people. You messed up by telling him yes, but don't go any further with it. Just tell him "I'm sorry, but I don't want to go out." Of course it will hurt him since he no doubt thinks you like him right now, but put yourself first.

I don't like the idea of giving people that you're not attracted to chances to make you want them. You can't disregard physical attraction, and if it's not there at the start, it will most likely never be.

[Man of Steel]

Actually--

Dating people at work can be a lot of fun...

[baseline bum]

Is it possible that feeling is really just your own fear since you have very little dating experience? I've seen people panic before in that situation, when they are getting their toes wet in the dating pool.

I don't like going against a first instinct, and Angel's sounds pretty clear. I highly doubt that's the case.

[Twisted_Dawg]

Wow...this thread is 5 hours old and has 80 posts spread over 4 pages.

DATING !!! Don't you just love it??!!

[TheSanityAnnex]

just him. You would not waste this much bandwidth if you didnt want the

[Fillmoe]

true story

[JoeChalupa]

I wish you the best Angeluv. In all honesty, I used to be one of those timid, shy kind of guys. I even felt a little that way when I ran into you at the mall. But I guess confidence is something many women look for in a guy.
But you could also be pre-judging a very nice guy who simply is shy and perhaps thinks you would say no and nobody likes rejection. It may also be that he is aware of his own looks. There are some of us who know we are not the best looking and attractive guys out there and that does effect our confidence. It took awhile for me to realize that not all women have to have a man who is 10 to go out with them.
I've gone out with some very attractive women and married one who gave me the chance and we've been very happy together now for over 13 years. Granted, my wife did tell me afterwards that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she was totally unattracted to me but it wasn't my looks but my personality that made me attractive. Of course some women would find my personality a total turn off so who knows. What I'm trying to say is not to judge a book by it's cover because what is inside could very well be the story of your life.

I would play it safe like your friend recommended. Meet him on your terms. If you don't feel something then take is just dinner between two people. Dinner doesn't have to be a romantic time with sparks flying. Simply a meal with some polite conversation and a few laughs...then again it could turn out to be a very long, painful experience just getting through it.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Heath Ledger]

What you have done is how nice ladies end up in body bags, you have opened up the door to leading him on now thinking he has a chance, sooner or later you are going to drop the bomb on him if he truly is a creepo you could have a stalker on your hands or even worse.

[LuvBones]

Angeluv, I'm pretty sure your sinking gut feeling is just nerves. You haven't dated much so it's common to have that feeling. Plus, this guy has been eyeing you for over a year? If he wanted to hurt you or something, he would have done it a long time ago. It seems to me like he's just really shy. And that's something most people are at first, but that can go away once you get to know each other.

Going out to have dinner doesn't necessarily mean a date, or that you're dating. Personally, I would accept most invitations out because 1. you get to leave the house and get to know someone. 2. I think you should let him pay, because if the date sucked at least you got a free meal, and you don't have to see him (besides at work lol) again.

When I first met my boyfriend I thought immediately we would never be a couple. I told him up front that I didn't see us going any further than friends. I had a set "criteria" like you on what I looked for in a guy. But i'm so glad now that my boyfriend didn't give up trying to be with me because he has surpassed what I want in a man. So, you never know Angel. He could be your soulmate... and you won't take the chance to at least get to know him? Just my 2 cents... good luck Angel!

[angel_luv]

It may also be that he is aware of his own looks.

The guy is not bad looking- has some nice features and is certainly not ugly.

Appearance is not what gets my interest. I am attracted to charisma and humor, strength and confidence. If a guy is those things, there is an excellent chance I will think he is cute.

On the other hand, you can be a Brad Pitt look alike but if I think you are either arrogant or timid, I'm not going to dig you.

I think the issue with this situation is that when he asked me out he was thinking date and when I said yes I was thinking " How nice, conversation."
And then after I said yes, I realized, " Oh gosh... he thinks date." thus my panic.

It was a misunderstanding which I need to clear up.

[ploto]

I think that it really depends on why you go out. Some people go out just to go out. They will go out on a date with just about anyone for the opportunity or the experience or the free meal! Other people look at dating in a more serious manner. They think that dating is meant to help you find someone with whom you could have a relationship. They are not casual about it at all. That is each person's perogative. I am the second type. And, yes, it may lead to more nights alone at home, but I could not be any other way. I have been that way my entire life. Men tell me that they can tell immediately- that I am a woman you go out with when you are looking for a relationship. It also means, though, that a guy not in a position to start a relationship won't ask me out.

I have also learned in the past couple of years that while I can handle meeting a male friend alone for dinner, I don't do it anymore. The men I have encountered just don't seem to be able to do that. You both know you are just friends- you drive in separate cars- you split the check- but the guy can't help himself! It ruined two important friendships.

[Jelly]

Do not go out with this guy! At least not at this time. Nothing good can come of it for you or for him. I know exactly how you feel as I have been in the same situation several times. These dates always turned out horribly, and the situation just snowballed with me making up excuses afterwards as to why I couldn't go out again or even going to desperate lengths to try to hide from the guy. Honesty is not always easy, but it's always the best policy and will save you a lot of future headaches. I understand the guy is extremely shy and socially awkward and you didn't want to hurt his feelings. But you are setting yourself and him up for one lousy time and a very uncomfortable work situation afterwards. (trust me... you will really start dreading going to work). It was very weird for him to ask you out when you didn't even know his name and the two of you apparently haven't even conversed much -if at all- before. You should just say "thanks, but I don't really know you and I'd prefer to just cancel dinner... but my friends and I are going to the food court for lunch. Would you like to come?". If you make an effort to be friendly to him and chat with him at work, he might loosen up and you'll have a chance to see if you might actually enjoy spending time with him and then you can judge whether this is someone you might date. He put you in a very awkward position by catching you off guard like that. I know you felt cornered and your knee-jerk response was to give a nice, polite answer, but now that you've had some space you really should follow your instincts.
and btw - I really do feel for you : )

[Ronaldo McDonald]

angel luv, the date he asked you out on is one that is merely going to be an introductory date. he doesn't know you and you don't know him. it could develope into something or not.

and luv bones, are you a bum? free meal? not even a jew like myself would stoop to that level to save some money.

[JoeChalupa]

The guy is not bad looking- has some nice features and is certainly not ugly.

Appearance is not what gets my interest. I am attracted to charisma and humor, strength and confidence. If a guy is those things, there is an excellent chance I will think he is cute.

On the other hand, you can be a Brad Pitt look alike but if I think you are either arrogant or timid, I'm not going to dig you.

I think the issue with this situation is that when he asked me out he was thinking date and when I said yes I was thinking " How nice, conversation."
And then after I said yes, I realized, " Oh gosh... he thinks date." thus my panic.

It was a misunderstanding which I need to clear up.

I understand and I get the feeling that it isn't all about looks for someone like you. He is the lucky one.

[fatsack]

Just cancel.

If the outcome has already been decided, why even play the game?

2nd.

you should have never said yes.

[Sapphire]

Wow, this is a lot of angst for one meal.

Go or don't go.

Go and decide you don't ever want to go again/go and decide he's worth dating.

I doubt seriously that he is going to end up killing her/stalking her/whatever.

Put your big girl panties on and make a decision either way, then be grown-up enough to tell him the results of your decision. This, too, is part of being an adult.

Sorry to come across harshly, but seriously, it's one meal out of thousands that you are going to eat in your life. Could it really be that bad to just go and open your mind a bit?

[Wild Cobra]

Well Angel, some people get over shyness right away under the right cir stances. Maybe a single confidence booster like you could do it.

I have no clue about the guys character. However, he is a coworker and not someone you met just anywhere. I think it's likely your safer with him than some arrogant jerk.

As someone who was shy with the woman when I was younger, I would say you could have a diamond in the rough.

I would say take a chance. Take the valid advice of meeting rather than having him drive you. Keep yourself comfortable during the process. Make it someplace public that you are both comfortable with.

I support Sapphire's comments, but just don't ditch him for any small reason.

Has he called you? I know, it's only been a day, but be cautious if he calls too much. If he does, he may be trouble, or he might just be anxious. Play things by ear. Instinct is good, but I'll bet your instinct is more because of your concern of how others see you with him rather than your instinct of his character.

When I was in High School. I was more of a geek than with any 'clicks.' Those who are not part of a social group are afraid of being shunned, so they just don't associate with others much. I could talk all day about cars, electronics, physics, chemistry, etc. but didn't know the first thing about having an interesting conversation with women. The few girlfriends I had later, I treated very good. I ended up breaking off the relationships rather than them.

1) My safety and well being

You can stay safe easy enough

2) Preserving the guy's feelings as best I can

Then follow through. If you cancel, even if you say it's you, it could knock his self esteem. That may be why he's shy. At least following through could cause all that shyness to go away between him and you, you might like what you see when and if he opens up.

3) Not causing an awkward/ ugly situation for myself since I do have to work on the same floor as this person.

Any cancellation will become awkward. At least if you spend one date with him, you can tell him "You're just not what I'm looking for" and he has no reason to doubt something that can obviously be true. If it's awkward after that, he has issue. At least you aren't the cause.

I think your wanting to stay honest is good. If you tell him after a first date you are not interested in more dates, at least when said honestly, it is far more believable than what some of the flakes here have said to do. Be honest and maintaing your integrity. You'll feel better in the process.

My concern is that I don't want to be careless with his emotions- make him think that I might develop feelings when there is a chance I might never.

As long as you are honest, if he gets the wrong idea. Not your fault. Besides, "might never" is nothing solid.

If he would like for me to sit down to dinner and get to know him better, that I can do.
But beyond that I can't make any promises.

Why would anyone think otherwise?

Then don't listen to those telling you to cancel.

I heard something on TV about rules for the first to third date. That's nonsense. Both people just play it by ear, and get to know each other in one-to-one terms.

I almost forgot. Don't do the double date thing. Since he's the shy type, he might just shut down, and you won't get to know him. That's how I was.

And it isn't like I am actively seeking a boyfriend.

And you never should. The best relationship come when you are not looking.

[mrsmaalox]

I think the issue with this situation is that when he asked me out he was thinking date and when I said yes I was thinking " How nice, conversation."
And then after I said yes, I realized, " Oh gosh... he thinks date." thus my panic.

Wow that is SO cool!!! I always wished I could read what people are thinking!

[angel_luv]

Wow, this is a lot of angst for one meal.

Go or don't go.

Go and decide you don't ever want to go again/go and decide he's worth dating.

I doubt seriously that he is going to end up killing her/stalking her/whatever.

Put your big girl panties on and make a decision either way, then be grown-up enough to tell him the results of your decision. This, too, is part of being an adult.

Sorry to come across harshly, but seriously, it's one meal out of thousands that you are going to eat in your life. Could it really be that bad to just go and open your mind a bit?

No- you are so right.

I was thinking about that too.

That I am making way too much of this.

Whatever decision I make, so long as I don't intentionally put myself in danger ( which I have not) is not going to be the end of the world.

This is how we learn.

[whottt]

Angel...some people are just quiet, it's not always that they are shy or lack confidence, it's just that they don't talk that much. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them either really.


For instance...Elvis Presley was some guy that all his classmates thought was a weirdo...shy guiet. Didn't have any friends. Well...he didn't really lack confidence.

Some people are just introverts and others are extraverts...it's just the way they are made.

It's funny that you say that about shy guys though...because I would classify Rasho as a shy quiet type, who might lack social confidence, and you were crazy about him.

But anyway...the smooth talking confident guy can turn out to be a jerk, a real jerk in fact, and he can be insecure, he just hides it better.

Can't really judge someone's character by whether or not they are quiet or talkative.


My experience...

Well I got set up on a blind date once, with a girl I probably would have never asked out on my own, she just didn't seem like my type, I wasn't really attracted to her. And it was kind of an on the spot thing...


I wound up married to her . And she's still the only girl I have ever really been in love with. Something just happened after the second date and I wound up thinking she was the most beautiful, funny, smart and sexy woman I had ever seen and and someone I could spend the rest of my life with. It was a complete turnaround...that fast.

Conversely...I also got involved with the girl of my dreams, a girl that I had had the hots for nearly my entire life, beautful, fun...but the more I got to know her, the more I realized that she wasn't someone I could be tied too(and stay sane).


So I guess what I'm saying is, you can't really know someone, until you get to know them.


Instincts are great...just make sure it's actually instincts at work there, sometimes it isn't.



The thing is...you haven't even talked to the guy much(probably due to his own actions) but you are aready trying to make some kind of definite decision on him...it's really a mistake to do that to someone before actually getting to know them. In my experience. And you know, sometimes it's just fun to go out on a date....


But if you aren't interested, that's just the way it is...and you shouldn't feel compelled to try and change that...but sometimes, it can and does change.


All that said...honesty is always the best policy. I know you are religious so...the quote that comes to mind is....do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That's pretty good advice when it comes to dating and relationships.

[MannyIsGod]

The best advice I can give you is to take dating far more casually - especially first dates. Go on a lot of them. Like someone said above, if nothing else its a chance to get out and get to know someone. Too many people see too many stupid movies and expect loads of sparks after a first date. Things in the real world usually don't happen that way.

A first date is simply someplace to get to know someone a bit. You won't know them after it and they shouldn't be in love with you after it either.

I say relax, go to dinner, and then if you don't have a good time don't go with him anymore. It really shouldn't be a more complex situation than that and there really aren't and shouldn't be feelings to consider when talking about a first date. You're not leading anyone on by going on a first date because a first date really means very little. I don't think I'm going to marry someone if they say "yeah I'll sit down with you for an hour to eat" and I don't think even the clingiest of guys would either so don't worry about that.

[2centsworth]

Angel,

go out with the guy and give him a chance. It could bomb and you go your seperate ways. Maybe he's nice enough to be friends, or maybe your find out more and start dating. There's no way you can decide until after a conversation with the guy.

[ShoogarBear]

Appearance is not what gets my interest.

That we knew.



The fact here is that nobody knows whether this guy is shy or a creep. And the only one who will know if your buyer's remorse is because of a bad vibe about the guy or because you're just freaked out by dating is you.

Clarifying the expectations in advance is okay, if a bit awkward after you've already accepted. Having RashoFan or somebody standing by to bail you out is not a bad idea.

In the future, think about having the initial "date" be witha group of friends.

[RashoFan]

What I'm trying to say is not to judge a book by it's cover because what is inside could very well be the story of your life.

Nicely put Joe!

I would play it safe like your friend recommended. Meet him on your terms.

I agree.