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pitb on the first date yay ftw
Bear with me. There are questions after all this explanation.
Okay this is the situation.
A male co-worker asked me if I would like to go out and have dinner.
This is someone whom works on the same floor with me so I see him most shifts for a few minutes but is not someone I have ever worked closely with.
The guy has always acted pretty shy around me and as a result makes me feel awkward. I always catching him watching me as I go about my work, looking as if he is going to start a conversation.
But then when I stop and say o, answers only in monosyllables.
Needless to say, I wasn't expecting this guy to ask me out.
My first inclination was to say no to him since I am not attracted to him.
(I like guys who are outgoing and confident.)
But I said " okay" because I felt that maybe it would be unfair for me to say no.
I basically said yes because I wasn't sure it would be right to refuse to have dinner with a guy just because I am not attracted to him.
I mean, how can I say that I don't like someone I don't know and how would I know someone unless I take the time to talk to them?
That was my logic anyway.
The guy seemed genuinely shocked that I said yes, which to be honest was a slight turn off.
(I don't like arrogant guys but I like the timid, self slighting types either. )
The guy asked me for my number and I gave him my home one since that seemed safer to me.
(I didn't say it was my home number; is just the one I gave him.)
I had to ask the guy his name because I didn't know it.
So what's the issue?
My problem is that the second I gave the guy my number, I felt super sick- sick as in a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, sick with l a " what have I done?" sort of feeling.
I can't decide what caused me to feel that way. I don't know if it it were my instincts telling me not trust or associate with this guy.
Or maybe I am just nervous because 1) I haven't really gone out much and 2) I am not sure I am going to have a nice time with this guy.
(I am afraid that I am going to have to carry the conversation and that even so there is going to be all sorts of awkward silence.)
I played it cool in front of the guy but inside I was having a serious panic attack.
As soon as I could get alone, I called a gal pal for advice.
My friend heard me out and the gave me the following counsel:
1) Meet the guy; don't let him drive me.
2) Make sure to go eat somewhere that I felt comfortable
3) Pay my own way so that it would not be a date
4) Be sure to part ways right after dinner.
5) Know that if I didn't have fun, I never had to go to dinner with the again.
That made sense to me.
On my own I added to the list: 6) to make sure we eat somewhere super casual and 7) that we meet early in the evening.
Even so, I still feel uncomfortable about the dinner and that is why I am confused about how to proceed.
I do believe in following my instincts but am not positive that an un quantifiable gut feeling is a valid reason to cancel on the guy.
It seems like should be safe if I stick to my friend's advice, so I am not sure what I am worried about.
I talked about this with my land lady ( she is older; in her 70's and is my guardian of sorts) and also with my roommate, whom is my age.
They basically echoed my first friend's advice.
So far, the only person to feel strongly otherwise is my mom.
Mom thinks that the nervous feeling I have could very well mean that the guy is not safe- that I should not ignore my instincts.
Also, mom feels that by agreeing to go to dinner with a guy I am not attracted to is not giving him a chance, but leading him on.
Mom said it would be the kinder thing to just cancel the dinner.
I have three primary concerns in this:
1) My safety and well being
2) Preserving the guy's feelings as best I can
and 3) Not causing an awkward/ ugly situation for myself since I do
have to work on the same floor as this person.
So, I would like to know (from the guys especially) what you think about the situation.
Am I leading the guy on?
And some general questions to everyone:
In your experience, how important are instincts when it comes to socializing alone with someone of the opposite sex?
Do any of you remember having a similar experience to this one?
If so, how did you handle it? And, how did it turn out?
Thanks!
pitb on the first date yay ftw
just tell him you just found out that you are HIV positive
Maybe meet him for a coffee at Starbuck's at The Quarry and let us know when you are going to meet him there so the rest of us can meet there"unexpectedly" and save ya if it is not going well.
Fill, that is just sooo wrong!
Just cancel.
If the outcome has already been decided, why even play the game?
The only thing I don't like about meeting someone you are not sure about for coffee is that at least with a meal, the waiter is going to drop a check so you'll pay and free up the table.
Coffee seems like it would be harder to end.
But definitely, when I know for sure where and what time I am going, I will pm you the info.
Are you being serious or facetious?
Fill, that is just sooo wrong!
why so? it works
Be straight with him first. Tell him that you really feel like you don't know anything about him. Going for coffee first sounds like a great plan--during the day at a busy place. If he creeps you out, or you just don't like him after that for whatever reason, don't feel obligated to spend any more time with him. Who knows? He may end up being "the one" or he may end up being "ewww, that one."
Make sure you have a planned-ahead call from one of your friends, with code words already worked out. You say "geranium" and all of a sudden you have a family emergency on the line. You say "gerbil" and y'all are gettin' a room, don't call back. J/K--I know by your posts you are a nice girl.
good luck!
That's what I would say too. What's the point of going out with someone you are so determined that you aren't going to like?
You are already dead set that you aren't going to like him. You listed tons of reasons why you don't like him already (not attractive, not confident, too shy, etc). You aren't doing him any favors by going out on a pity date with him. I think going on the date would be extremely weak and selfish. (Unless you are actually going to give him a legitimate chance.)
You have no obligation to spend time voluntarily with anyone with whom you do not want to. Tell him you thought it over and you think it would be better not to date a co-worker- which is actually true.
The feeling in your gut could be some sense that it might not be safe-- or it might rather be your gut knowing that you went against your true feelings.
Honesty is the best policy angel.
Guys respect an honest woman way more than one that says one thing but does another.
Maybe then I ought to just tell him that I am only interested in being friends and let him decide whether or not we still meet for dinner.
And I can insist that if we do meet, that we go dutch.
That seems fair.
While I think instincts are good to listen to, I wouldn't completely cancel just because I had a sinking feeling. I agree with your friends that your list should keep you relatively safe and secure.
As for whether or not that's ever happened - well, before I met SFIE, I was pissed off that he was stuck in my group of freshmen. Because I didn't want to get to know him, I figured he would be a jerk like his brother and their friends. I didn't have any choice - but it turned out ok for us.
I don't know whether or not you are leading the guy on - I mean, if you think that you might be at all interested in getting to know him better (and not just interviewing him for future husband material) then I don't think you are leading him on. I do tend to agree with Disgruntled Lion Fan, though - it does sound as if you are pretty damn sure this is a mistake and you seem pretty determined that you will not like this guy or have anything to say to him. Given that - it may not be worth it. If you were truly uncertain, I'd say go for it - the results can be surprising when you open yourself up to going outside what you think you like or are looking for (again, that's how my husband and I got together - and he is so much better for me and makes me so much happier than the guys I was dating and what I thought I was looking for).
Yea...just imagine if the situation were reversed. How would you feel if a guy said yes to going out with you but he wasn't really attracted to you and didn't feel his personality matched yours, but said yes just out of pity? If he calls, just say something came up and you can't make it.
I don't understand where this weird feeling came from....is it a fear that he's like a dangerous guy? Based off what you said; shy, timid, etc. seems weird that you would fear a guy like that without really knowing anything about him...maybe that's where the fear is coming from. Can't you ask around the office or someone at work what his deal is? Regardless, I guess it is better to be safe than sorry.
I see no reason to go on a date with someone you're not interested in.
PS I hope you have caller ID on your home phone...
I would think your home phone number isn't the safe one, unless it's unlisted.
I would put in my say but I think what is said above summarizes it all.
I didn't say yes out of pity but more out of ignorance- I.E. lack of experience of how to be true to myself without making rash judgments.
I know that some people improve upon acquaintance and, as our work place set up is not condusive to my ever getting to know him better there, it only seemed fair to say yes to his dinner request.
I was trying to do the kind thing but apparently I failed miserably.
Well, too late now.
Yea, I was gonna say the same thing...it's safer to give your cell # to someone than your home # I would think...
Or just tell him the truth.If he calls, just say something came up and you can't make it.
Why lie?
Or just ask for his number if you're that worried about it.
Well, you just admitted you were trying to be kind by saying yes...isn't that sort of the same thing as a pity yes?
Regardless, like I said, dig out more details on him. Or you can get to know him a little over the phone first before you go out with him. When he calls you, just ask him stuff about his life or whatever over the phone to get a feel for if he's "safe and normal" I guess...
Regardless, it just seems like there are about 59 different reasons that say you don't want to go out with this guy, and about 0 reasons that say why you should...
Your Prince Charming will come one day soon
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