To Don Draper. RE: The Lakaluva Brand

[21_Dickings]

First off I have to say that I admire your work, Mr. Draper. You are, without a doubt, the top man on Madison Ave.

During the 80s when I was a young studio executive, I urged our studio to apply your advertising strategies to the Hollywood world. What we did is rather than focus on meaningless areas like story content and artistry, we pursued an aggressive marketing strategy that saw an integration of product and cinema, or more specifically, product and star.

We wanted to convey the idea to all the fat Joe Schmos parking their 40 inch waistlines into the theater that they too could pilot an F-14 like Tom Cruise if they drank a Coke, be a tough guy like Burt Reynolds if they shaved with Gillette, or like Sly Stallone if they wore Fruit of the Loom. A synergy was born, and it became the catalyst that generated a 345% increase in box office revenue, along with increasing profit for those companies who chose to place their products in our movies.

Because of this, I quickly rose to the top of the food chain, all the way to studio head, where I sit today. It's a great place to be. I have a corner office that you can fit a small country in, a Mahogany desk that 200 trees gave their collective life for, and a harem of secretaries that I require to go pantyless, in the event I want a quickie before a power lunch with Katzenberg. And I have you to thank, Mr. Draper.

Now, on to the business at hand. Lakaluva.

A lot of money and time was invested in lakaluva. We saw a star in the making and threw a massive amount of resources in manufacturing his s om. We hired the best vocal coaches to get rid of that dreadful Middle Eastern accent, we put him on a vigorous exercise and diet program, we had him undergo penis enlargement surgery and a radical cosmetic procedure to lighten his dark skin, which unfortunately was a necessity in post-9-11 America, we bought him a mansion in Brentwood and a new wardrobe. In short, we transformed him from turbans and tunics to top hats and Armani. Some real Pygmalion . But lakaluva took to it like a shark to water, and we felt we had the next big star on our hands.

So what we did is place him in the wild world of the Internet message boards to see how the public responds to him. He made a splash here on Spurstalk upon his arrival, and it was sky's the limit. The Lakaluva brand was growing, the Spurstalk brand was growing. Synergy was cooking, baby.

Fast forward to today. The Luva brand has taken a crashdrive. Instead of it being associated with cutting edge trolling and humor, it's now associated with sexuality. And yes, we are a liberal bunch in Hollywood, but you just can't sell s to Middle America. Right now, Luva is not the leading man, he's the best friend of Cameron Diaz who gives her dating device.

And we didn't spend 20 million to have him become Rupert in' Everett.

I'm desperate, Mr. Draper. My job's on the line if Lakaluva doesn't reinvent himself and become the guy who takes Cameron home and s the out of her, not the guy that goes with her to get her nails done.

Any ideas?

Come out to LA. We'll go to Musso and Frank's and break this Lakaluva situation down over some Prime Rib (Pierre cooks it perfectly) and Glen Livet.

Best,

ings.

[21_Dickings]

And to add: I think we made a mistake by hiring that Negro boy Koolaid_Man to be lakaluva's personal assistant.

We didn't figure on lakaluva falling in love with him.

[Don Draper]

I'll get on a plane tonight. Have a Manhattan ready for me the second I arrive.