SPAM Journey 2011...One for the Thumb!!

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Ladies and Gentlemen….it’s SPAM time!!



Greetings brothers and sisters of the mighty SPAM!!

I can’t believe another year has come and gone! Amazing! I love summer, I love the spring, the fall is alright, and I can almost endure crappy ass winter. But there is one season that stands out above all others. There is one season that brings men and women from all nationalities, occupations, creeds and beliefs together. Whether you’re gay or straight or bi, pierced or unpierced, tatted or untatted, un-re ed or from Victoria, TX, there is one season that provides meaning and hope to people around the world. One season that lets you know that life is indeed worth living. That season my friends, is SPAM season!!! And amazingly it’s here again. (Unless, of course, you’re a Mavs fan. In that case you’re simply fvcked and without hope of a championship every season.)

For those of you new to the SPAM, let me give you a brief history: Back in spring of 2003 the Spurs were suffering through a less than inspiring basketball season. Memories of the 1999 championship were by that time a faded memory. The Lakers were coming off back to back to back championships. The top Spurs internet fan forum was divided into two bickering camps of non-believers. David Robinson was completing his last season of basketball. Hope had been abandoned by most that we’d ever have an opportunity to see a second Spurs championship.

From that bleak period of misery I was visited by the spirit of SPAM. The little oblong blue can of miscellaneous mammalian flesh, flavored to sodium injected perfection suddenly started to speak to me……”SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH”. I’d hear it all the time…everyday…the cans would speak to me from the pantry, they’d speak to me in the grocery store, the cans of SPAM I’d bring to bed with me would speak to me…they’d speak to me in the shower, at work, at the dinner table. SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH…SPURS PEAK AFTER MARCH!!!

With all humility, and without any fanfare or attention grabbing changes to the website graphics, or other expressions of my own visions of self-absorbed grandeur whatsoever (as is my custom) I chose to share my message with the fine legions of Spurs fans throughout the globe who all tuned in together through this wonderful invention called the internetwork. To my surprise and delight my message of SPAMtopian bliss was met with excitement and enthusiasm. There was a healing among the warring members of Spurs fandom. Peace once again filled the internetwork. And when the mighty Spurs won the le that year, the SPAM messages took on even more relevance and became a permanent part of Spurs fan lore. Legions of SPAM members were born. When les three and four were won in 2005 and 2007 the SPAM Pilgrimage legend grew even stronger.

So now, each year as March approaches, I venture out into the world to seek the truth and hear the SPAM speak. I have abandoned all worldly possessions since the spring of 2003. I quit my job, left everything that once mattered behind in order to pursue the ultimate knowledge, that of the mighty SPAM. Nothing else matters…nothing…DO YOU HEAR ME???!!!...DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!!




That being said…let me share my SPAM journal entries for 2011 with you all…..


Nov. 30, 2010: Kind of early in the season for me to check the standings, but what the heck….15 wins, 2 losses…hmmm… I guess they’ll come down off that fast start any time now. No need to wear themselves out too early in the year. It’s a little late in the day, but I’m off to fondle myself.

December 17, 2011: I see 22-3. Still rolling…damn. I spend an hour fondling myself in joyous SPAM filled splendor.

January 2, 2011: Just woke up from a New Year’s Eve party that I attended at the overpass by the riverbed. Good time. One Legged Willie did that trick where he pulls the plate off his brain and lets everyone see his knowledge. Dude is a riot! But I realize it’s no longer time for fun and games. It’s now time to start my pre-SPAM season training regime. Eat a can of SPAM every two hours followed by 3 push-ups. I obviously haven’t been training. I’m down to a mere 360 pounds…I might blow away! As I check the standings I see the Spurs at 29-4….wait a minute…29-4?! SPAM my ass….more like SPAN: SPURS PEAK AFTER NOVEMBER this year. Time to put down the pen and fondle away.

January 22, 2011: 24 point loss at New Orleans…this feels a little more like the type of January game I’m used to see from my Spurs. No need to work too hard fellas! Take it easy!! Pace yourselves…damnit!! I just finished 3 pushups and some self-groping. Scale says 385…the training is looking good, es!!

February 1, 2011: Since when does 11 and 4 over the last 15 games feel like the Spurs are slumping, especially this early in the year??? I vow not to look at the standings again until after March 1. There is something amiss in the SPAMiverse when my Spurs have a record this far above the rest of the league. I think about their lofty record and fondle myself a little…ok, a lot, who am I kidding.

February 15, 2011: Just watched all the Matt Bonner training videos. That dude is funny. However, for the first time in years I don’t feel like fondling myself.

February 28, 2011: Took my first shower of 2011 in anticipation of SPAM season. Felt good. Nice to be clean. And to think it was a golden shower to boot! Those cost far more than I remember spending back in the day. Those Asians and their message parlors. The only message I got today was that I need more money...and some soap next time.

March 1: I pull out the newspaper and skip over to the sports section. What’s this? Ok…Spurs lose by 16 to Memphis…I guess they took February off as anticipated. Now I look at the standings…still up by 6 games on the rest of the league??! WTF?!!! SPAM? Really? Do we really need you this year SPAM? F’ you SPAM. F’ you!!!

Later on March 1: Sorry SPAM…so very sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I’ll do anything for you. Tell me what you want. WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME???!! F’ YOU SPAM!!! F’ YOU!!!

Even later on March 1: Very sorry….so very sorry. I love you SPAM. I love you, you stupid blue biotch.

Even later than that on March 1: Come back baby…I love you. I didn’t mean it. I love you SPAM…call me.

March 2: I’ve decided not to finish my SPAM pilgrimage this year. What’s the point? We’ve got the league’s best record. We’re obviously rolling.

March 3: I decided to fondle myself all day. Didn’t even think about SPAM. Went by the Asian message parlor. No messages today either. That place sucks. I check my scale…415 pounds. I’m officially awesome. Damn…and to think, all that good training shot to .

March 4: I had a dream last night. Jessica Alba came to me in my sleep….as per my custom. We made wild passionate love, I was a 415 pound wildebeast…she was my 100 pound innocent concubine. Everything that is humanly possibly for two people of the opposite sex to do to each other we did that night. Every angle, every way, every position, every aid, tool and mechanical device known to man was given a go. Then, after our lengthy 43 second love fest ended, I looked deeply into her satisfied eyes. We stared at each other. With a knowing look she opened those beautiful pouty lips of hers and prepared to say something. I leaned in. But as soon as the sound started to emanate from those amazing pipes of hers she suddenly transformed into a gigantic can of SPAM. Wow! Nothing could have been more exciting, or beautiful, than this vision of shiny blue steel in front of me…heaven, or so I thought. But then it got even better. This immaculate metallic monolith started to rattle and hum. Ever so gently, the SPAM whispered….”Three. One. One. One. Three. A fifth championship is guaranteed to thee.” “2011 completes the cycle…now go out and ride a unicycle…you damn homeless ape.” “Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, when the Mayan calendar expires at the end of 2012 you’ll all die a fiery death. Have a nice day.”

And just like that…the SPAM turned back into a naked, writhing Jessica Alba beneath me. I reached down and threw back the covers and stared at what lie there, beckoning me. Sadly, the SPAM was gone. So sad. But the message was clear…we’re going to win the championship!!! SPAMMEN!!!



So…there you have it. A fifth le is guaranteed. If you have the urge to place a wager on the outcome of the 2011 season, or on the end of the earth as we know it, feel free to do so. Again, always remember the SPAM is never wrong………in odd numbered years………not counting 2009.

SPAMMEN!!!

[Ed Helicopter Jones]

Spurs fans of Spurstalk…join me in SPAMtopian bliss, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father, and son….or something like that.

Believers, post in this thread to re-affirm your commitment to the SPAMnation honor code as was told to me on a rocky mountain high by the mighty SPAM. If you break this honor code you’ll not only disgrace the mighty SPAM, but you’ll be suspended for the season from playing basketball for BYU:

1. Though shalt have no false luncheon meats before me.

2. Make for yourself many images of the SPAM. Enjoy any and all likenesses of the SPAM. Go ahead. Make love to the SPAM. It’s fun.

3. Though shalt include the name of the SPAM in as many words as possible. For example “SPAMnation”, “SPAMdamnit”, “I just SPAMMED myself!” All of these, and millions more, are acceptable.

4. Remember the SPAM on gameday…it makes a great appetizer, meal, friend.

5. Honor Timvp and Kori…without them people might not quite understand me.

6. You shall not murder…unless it’s a Mavs fan, then blaze away on his punk Dallas a$$. (Ok, still don’t murder him or her… just laugh uncontrollably at their stupid choice of pro basketball team at every opportunity.)

7. You shall not commit adultery. (Sex is ok though…just none of this so-called “adultery” business, you sick mofo.)

8. You shall not squeal. Squealing is for pussies…and Mavs fans.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Case in point…Nike telling us to all “witness” King Lebron. Notice how he still hasn’t won a championship? And why do you think the Spurs unis are made by Adidas? Case closed.

10. Do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, male or female servant, his ox, donkey, or anything else that is your neighbor’s…unless of course your neighbor’s wife is Jessica Alba, then go ahead and feel free to covet the fvck out of her. The only thing to truly covet, however, is that championship trophy…and the mighty SPAM!!


STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!!!

[crc21209]

It is ing SPAM-tastic to see Helicopter back! SPAM baby! SPAM!

[CubanMustGo]

The SPAM is strong in this one.

[timtonymanu]

Love this time of the year! SPAM!

[L.I.T]

The Spamitude is here.

[spurs_fan_in_exile]

The SPAM has spoken! Meal with it!

[Slomo]

[Avitus1]

Its SPAM time!

[duncan228]

The Prophet has spoken.

[it's me]

Die by the spam LIVE by the spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

[DarkGinobili]

SPAM

[Mel_13]

Tasty thread.

[Refocus]

[Mrlunt925]

[Velo]

Tasty thread.

[SPAMite Extremist]

Though the words may not be heard so soon who could deny that one that is called "I SPAM" has been with us all this year? We have all seen, but not all have believed! Woe be those unbelievers who can not accept the SPAM into their heart! True your physical heart with it's mere ventricles and valves may be much, much the better for it, but what of your immortal heart! Without the sodium of spirit, the glaze of faith, and the cholesterol of hope to clog your soul to bursting what do you truly have?

Look at all the SPAM has lay before us as proof! Shining like a Larry O'Brien trophy the blue reflective light of the SPAM shined upon Gary Neal. The SPAM could pluck any player it chose to elevate to greatness but it sought out a player in Turkey to makes it message clearest to those who would believe. Just as the SPAM is an upgrade in every way to mere poultry, so did the SPAM upgrade the play of Gary Neal to the level of Spurs greatness. The spirit of the SPAM did enter into the player we once knew merely as Antonio McDyess and did make Antonio into a vessel in the image of the SPAM: well seasoned and without any conceivable expiration date. And no where did the SPAM do more to anyone than to the one we call Pop. Once Pop was a hateful and drunken coach cursing youth and favoring veterans which he thought would age like fine wine. But the SPAM entered into Pop over the summer. It softened not only his heart to young players but also softened his stool so that as he sat upon his throne Pop saw the amazing power of constantly having runs and set about to make his offense have them as well.

And now the Chopper, the great and wise prophet, has brought to us this glorious message! ALL PRAISE BE TO THE SPAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cutewizard]

yes sir!

here we go

SPAM is here, for the Spurs rule!!!!!!

forever.....

[cutewizard]

The Spamitude is here.

Mabuhay SPAM

and glory to all Spurs fans

coz we are going to win it all this year

neal with it cagers of all lands.....

[Frenzy]

spam! I can smell this from across the city.

[KaiRMD1]

I have a 500 hundred dollar bet with my buddy that the Heat won't win a championship this season.........I think I should add more bets now.

[m33p0]

[Blackjack]

Let's do the SPAMn thing!

And to my Extremist friend, praise be to SPAMlah.

[alamo50]

=

GO SPURS GO!

P.S.
Great to see your name again chopper.

[carina_gino20]

SPAMtastic!