By Bill Simmons
Page 2
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...s/050804&num=0
Remember my mailbag rant about rewatchable movies last month, when I complained about the five-year drought (and counting) for entertaining movies that could be watched on cable again and again?
Those losers at the Hall of Justice have nothing on this crew.
Back East a few weeks ago, I ended up on-Demanding (is that even a verb?) "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" at my mom's house one night. Even though the movie (about a chauvinistic '70s anchorman in San Diego, played by Will Ferrell) received mixed reviews last year, since Ferrell was involved, I gave it a belated shot ... and loved it. Two days later, I watched it again. When I returned to California, I bought the DVD and watched the movie and every extra. Much like the "Austin Powers" movies, it's silly and inspired, and you notice four or five new wrinkles every time you watch it. Now, if I'm flicking channels and it's just starting, I can't help myself. It's like being at a wedding where they serve those bacon-wrapped scallop appetizers: Sure, I guess I'll have one more, but that's it. And you end up having 10. Now that, my friends, is the very definition of a rewatchable movie.
Without further ado, instead of awards, I'm handing out 35 quotes and exchanges from "Anchorman" to the best and worst of the 2005 NBA's wild and wacky offseason:
1. "Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. [Pause.] Cannonball!!!!!!"
To the Wolves ... whose big summer move was to re-sign Mark Madsen for $8 million over three years. How has the ESPN The Magazine cover with a brooding KG and the headline, "Get me out of here!" not happened yet?
2. "If you were a man, I would punch you right in the mouth."
To Joe Dumars ... I mean, you know he wanted to say this to Larry Brown, right? When Brown had his press conference with the Knicks last week, at the very least, the Pistons should have hired John Green to lob cups of soda at him.
3. "Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Actually, I'm not even mad -- that's amazing!"
To Philly GM Billy King, who continues to hemorrhage money like a drunken stockbroker in the champagne room at Scores. Over the past four summers, King spent $68 million on an aging Dikembe Mutombo; $40 million on Kenny Thomas; $35.5 million on Aaron McKie; $29 million on Eric Snow; $20.7 million on Brian Skinner; $18 million on Greg Buckner; and an astonishing $15 million for Kevin Ollie (which was especially memorable because, at the time, I spent 15 minutes on the phone with my buddy House trying to get him to guess how much money Ollie had signed for, before House came up with the exact figure). And don't forget, King traded for C-Webb's bum knee and the $66 million remaining on C-Webb's contract last February.
So if you're Billy King, what do you do for an encore? You spend $45 million for the next six years on ... (drumroll please) ... Kyle Korver and Willie Green! Are you kidding me? It's amazing that King didn't get in on the Brian Scalabrine bidding. Anyway, I think King is clearly preparing for his next job -- Hollywood movie executive. Couldn't you see him spending $18 million to lock up Rob Schneider for "Deuce Bigalow 2?" He'd be perfect out here.
4. "Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!"
"Really? Um, yes ... I do."
In the Allen deal the Sonics also got the rights to Jesus Shuttlesworth.
To Ray Allen, who used the Clips and Cavs as leverage for another whopping contract from the Sonics, allowing him to pass the $150 million mark for his career (shouldn't they keep track of this stuff, the same way they do with movies?) Plus, Black Starz showed "He Got Game" for the 10,000th time last week. Big summer for Ray.
(The biggest argument with "Anchorman": What's the single-funniest scene? Some of my friends swear by the erection scene, capped off by Burgundy screaming, "Don't act like you're not impressed!" I'm partial to Brian Fantana's breaking out Sex Panther, then getting hosed down outside the network building like he's Meryl Streep in "Silkwood." Others enjoy the Jack Black cameo. Others swear by the phone booth scene. There's a really a plethora of choices. It's a cornucopia. A bevy. A potpourri.)
5. "I look good ... really good. Hey everyone, come and see how good I look!"
To the Pacers, who looked like the best team in basketball on the night of the Artest Melee, at least until Ben Wallace and his temper intervened (everyone forgets this). Now they get Artest back, plus they added the most NBA-ready player in the draft (Danny Granger) and a clutch Lithuanian point guard with a Ginobili-like resume overseas (Sarunas Jasikevicius). How could they not be the favorites right now? Who's deeper 1-through-10? Imagine if they won a couple championships without Reggie Miller? We'd have to move him into a reality house with Don Mattingly.
6. "Oh my God, what it that smell?"
"That's the smell of desire, my lady."
"God, no ... it smells like a used diaper covered in Indian food!"
"You know, desire smells like that to some people."
To Kwame Brown ... I mean, who else would this go to? You can make excuses for the past four years -- MJ ruined his confidence, he's never played on a team that wasn't controlled by shot-happy perimeter players, he needed a fresh start in a new city, etc. -- but the bottom line is this: He didn't play hard every night. Now he's with Phil Jackson (who has a spotty history of developing young players) and Kobe Bryant (who could care less about getting anyone else involved in the offense -- just ask Lamar Odom). So we should expect Kwame to play harder and earn that $22 million over the next three years? I'm a little dubious.
(Best line that I'm not allowed to quote from this movie: The one about Bigfoot that comes two lines after the above exchange. High comedy. You had to have been smoking the marijuana that's given to cancer patients to come up with something as good as the Bigfoot line. I'm telling you.)
7. "We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now, and in no way is that depressing!"
To the Clippers, who keep shifting deck chairs on the anic and claiming that it's a new boat. This summer, they made their token "Let's get the fans excited" run at Ray Allen (not a chance), allowed the heart of the team (Simmons) to sign with Milwaukee, then spent Bobby's money on Cuttino Mobley (a solid Plan B). Also, they signed Zeljko Rebraca to a three-year, $12 million deal, an interesting move because the Sports Gal kept accidentally calling him "Recrappa" during Clippers games last season. And that's been it -- they have eight guys under contract right now. Needless to say, I'm not putting money aside every week to save for 2006 playoff tickets.
One positive note: Supposedly Elgin Baylor finally figured out how to program numbers into his cell phone last week. So that was big.)
8. "Come get a taste."
To the Pistons, who have been defiantly sitting around this summer while everyone else in the Eastern Conference loads up. Almost like they're biding their time. Or else they're trying to figure out a way to top the Darko/Delfino summers and haven't come up with the perfect overrated international player yet. It's one or the other.
(By the way, classic Will Ferrell moment here -- when he's holding the billy club and goading on the rival newscasters right before the big anchorman gang fight. How many comedians brought us more laughs over a 10-year span than Will Ferrell? Does Phil Hartman from 1986-1996 hold a candle to him? What about Eddie Murphy from 1982-1992? Mike Myers from 1989-1999? Chevy Chase from 1975-1985? He's in the All-Time Pantheon, right? I'm ranking him ahead of everyone but Eddie. There. I said it.)
9. "I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call 'mentally re ed.'"
To former Cleveland GM Jim Paxson, who made the most underrated panic trade in NBA history last February: A protected 2007 No. 1 pick to Boston for Jiri Welsch (16 games, 191 minutes, 46 points for the Cavs). But here's the kicker: Because they were giving away a first-rounder, by NBA rules, Paxson had to remove the lottery protection from another first-rounder earmarked for Charlotte in 2005. Hence, they lost the 13th pick in June's draft (which they could have used on Danny Granger), and if that wasn't bad enough, they ended up trading Welsch to Milwaukee for a second-rounder in June. Has any team ever downgraded from a first to a second rounder in four months?
In a related story, Jim Paxson is unemployed right now. Might want to shift into sales or something, Jimbo. No offense.
(Speaking of Brick Tamland, one of my favorite things about "Anchorman": The fake names. Ron Burgundy, Champ Kind, Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland, Veronica Corningstone, Wes Mantooth ... in the words of Jack Horner, "Those are great names!" You can almost imagine Ferrell and co-writer Adam McKay sitting around at 3 a.m. one night, throwing out fake names for the script -- "What about Rust Youngblood? What about Lincoln Freeze? What about Harley Mace?" -- before they finally settled on the aforementioned group. That was probably more fun than writing the actual script. And by the way, look for Brick quietly putting mayonnaise into the toaster during this scene. Took me four viewings to notice it.)
10. "Ahhhhhhhhh, God! I did NOT see that coming!"
Remember the scene when Luke Wilson gets his arm chopped off during the anchorman gang fight? That goes to my beloved Celtics signing Brian Scalabrine for ... (gulp) ... (big gulp) ... $15 million over the next five years.
OK ...
I like him as a 10th man. I like the concept of "Let's boost the team chemistry of a team that acted like a '70s rock band last season by signing someone that everyone agrees is one of the best guys in the league." But FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS FOR BRIAN SCALABRINE????????????????? They could have signed former Suns blogger Paul Shirley for one-sixth the price and quintupled the Celtics.com traffic. Is there a difference between Luke Walton, Scott Padgett, Scalabrine, Ryan Bowen and 20 other guys? This is like finding out that a buddy paid $150,000 for an engagement ring to someone he met just three weeks ago. What can you even say?
(As for the big gang fight, I'm torn on this one. Liked/loved Tim Robbins's curly afro, liked Ben Stiller screaming "Policia!", liked Wilson's arm getting cut off ... but the whole thing was a little over the top. Then again, it did lead to our next exchange...)
11. "Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!"
"It jumped up a notch!"
"It did, didn't it?"
"Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!"
"I saw that. Brick killed a guy."
To the Samuel Dalembert bidding, which shattered the NBA record for "Most expensive contract given to a guy based strictly on his potential" (previously held by Marquis Daniels getting $39 million from the Mavs). It's like a play on the old "Bad Idea Jeans" ad on SNL: "So, I figured, when's the next time I'll have a chance to spend more than $60 million on a raw center from Haiti?"
(Of course, the man responsible for giving Dalembert that money? That's right ... Mr. Billy King. I'm telling you -- put him in charge of ESPN and we would be s ing out $900 million for Major League Lacrosse within two weeks.)
12. "You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."
To agent Marc Bartelstein, who pulled off the two shrewdest maneuvers of the summer: Convincing Milwaukee to spend $47 million on my man Bobby Simmons (when the next highest offer was in the $38-39 million range), and convincing Miami to spend an extra $20 million on Antoine Walker (when there was no sign-and-trade market for him and he would have ended up signing there anyway). If he manages to get Steven Hunter $20 million from someone, I'm hiring Bartelstein to negotiate my next contract with ESPN.
(Note: Just wait until my contract year kicks in next April -- I'm going to hire a personal trainer, lose 15 pounds and start pumping out mailbags nine at a time, and then my man Bartelstein will take care of everything else. By the time the dust clears, I'll be covering the Packers for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel for $5 million per year and wondering, "How did I get here?")
13. "I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party."
"Excuse me?"
"The ... party. With the ... with the pants. Party with pants?"
"Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?"
"That's it."
To Magic Johnson, who announced that he would love to be the owner of any NBA team that plays in Vegas. Ummmmmm ... maybe that's not the best idea, Magic ... ummmm ... can we start you off in Minnesota or Cleveland?
14. "I'm going to punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot, right to the babymaker."
To the Magic ... this was probably their reaction after No. 1 pick Fran Vazquez told them he was staying overseas for another season. Normally, you would think that a team passing up Danny Granger and Gerald Green to get double crossed by a foreign big man named "Fran" would be the lowlight of the past 12 months -- but this is the same team that gave away Tracy McGrady and has Steve Francis, Kelvin Cato, Doug Christie and Mrs. Christie to show for it. Sorry, that's gonna take precedence.
15. "Oops, I almost forgot -- I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft 'j' ... I'm not sure, but apparently you just run ... for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild."
One of the dopiest moments goes to the dopiest moment of the summer: The remarriage between Greg Ostertag and the Utah Jazz, which was a little like David Gest and Liza Minnelli getting back together, only if David Gest had been booed by an entire fan base off and on for seven years. I think Jerry Sloan was watching "Eddie" on HBO3 one night after about 10 drinks and suddenly decided, "You know what? He drove me crazy, but I miss that big oaf! Let's get him back!"
16. "Ooooh, it's a formidable scent. Stings the nostrils."
"In a good way, right?"
"Brian, I'm gonna be quite honest with you -- that smells like pure gasoline."
One of my favorite exchanges in the movie (Brian Fantana showing off his prized Sex Panther cologne to Ron Burgundy) goes to the Milwaukee Bucks, who invigorated their franchise with the following moves:
• They spent $90 million for Michael Redd, a nice enough player who has a zero percent chance of ever making an All-NBA team.
• They used the No. 1 pick in the 2005 Draft on Andrew Bogut, who looked shaky enough in summer league games that there hasn't been this many people cringing in Milwaukee since Jeffrey Dahmer was still running amok.
Cup of Joe, some mirrored sunglasses ... San Diego never knew what hit them.
• They spent $30 million for Dan Gadzuric, an energy guy whose per-minute rebounding stats were surprisingly good (8.3 boards in less than 20 minutes a game). In fact, I liked this signing. But this has to mark the first time in NBA history that a team drafted a center No. 1 overall, then spent another $30 million on an insurance plan just in case that No. 1 pick didn't pan out. Not a ton of faith there.
• They overpaid a little ($47 million) for Simmons, one of my favorite players in the league ... unfortunately, they already have Redd and Desmond Mason at the swingman positions. A truly goofy signing unless they plan on moving Mason.
• They announced that T.J. Ford was back, and that his surgically-repaired spine can finally withstand the rigors of an NBA season ... but it's probably a good idea if he doesn't drive to the basket as much. I'm not making this up.
17. "I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely ... breathtaking ... heinie. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it."
To my favorite summer signing: Houston grabbing Stro Swift for the mid-level exception. Now he can finally play 35-40 minutes a game and concentrate on the three things he does best -- running, jumping and dunking. Perfect team for him. Considering they played Juwan Howard, Clarence Weatherspoon, Scott Padgett, Vin Baker, Ryan Bowen and Julie Bowen at power forward last season, you could make a case that this was the single-biggest upgrade by any contender. In fact, I think I just did.
(And while we're here, how 'bout a round of applause for Christina Applegate, who plays Ferrell's love interest in the movie and is slowly becoming the Rafael Palmeiro of Hollywood -- she's peaking in her mid-30's and has to be considered for the Babe Hall of Fame soon, even though it seemed impossible as recently as two years ago. This may have been her best movie yet. If she's brought down by Congress for perjury in a horrible Botox scandal five years from now, I only hope I still enjoy this movie as much.)
**PART TWO COMING FRIDAY**
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.
2. "If you were a man, I would punch you right in the mouth."
To Joe Dumars ... I mean, you know he wanted to say this to Larry Brown, right? When Brown had his press conference with the Knicks last week, at the very least, the Pistons should have hired John Green to lob cups of soda at him.
*moves Anchorman to top of Netflix queue*
Last edited by Summers; 08-04-2005 at 02:32 PM.
If the Bucks lose Pachulia to the Hawks via free agency, would they be interested in Rasho in case Bogut becomes "Bogut the Bust?" They have three guys who play the same position in Simmons, Mason, and Redd. That would be freaking awesome for the Spurs if this trade were to go down. I doubt it though, but I'm going to start praying it does.They overpaid a little ($47 million) for Simmons, one of my favorite players in the league ... unfortunately, they already have Redd and Desmond Mason at the swingman positions. A truly goofy signing unless they plan on moving Mason.
To the Pacers, who looked like the best team in basketball on the night of the Artest Melee, at least until Ben Wallace and his temper intervened (everyone forgets this).
Everyone has forgotten that part.
What Ben Wallace did happens in 20+ games every year.
What Ben Wallace did does not happen 20+ games a year when it is a 20 point blowout in the last 2 minutes. In the biggest outbreak of fan and player violence in the United States, the man who initially caused any of the raucous is widely revered by the NBA (defensive player of the year) and by the media.
Ben shoving Artest didn't cause Artest to go into the stands. The shove and going into the stands were totally unrelated.
The bigger question is why were these starters on the court in garbage time of a blowout?
I just read this. After thinking about it, I totally agree with him about Houston signing Swift.
I hadn't realized he was signed for only the MLE....isn't that ridiculously cheap?
I mean....Stromile Swift is a good solid player, who succeeded in Brown's schemes defensively, I'm surprised he wasn't shopped after more.
Houston has become alot better for the 3rd or 4th consecutive summer
You probably would have caught this signing if you had ever quit your weak ass Aggie hate on the general board.
i dont scoff at aggies in the club
and i did catch this signing at the time, i just didnt realize it was for the MLE
Not only is it a bargain for the MLE, it's rumored that it's only for 3 years or 3 with a team option for the fourth year. Neither side would say on signing day.
Rockets benefit because, if he bombs, they're not stuck for the usual 5 years. If he's average(as he has been), then it's a fair price by NBA standards and they have a choice for the fourth year. If he wakes up and plays to potential, they certainly won't cry about that, either.
Swift benefits because it's a shorter deal. If he plays the same or a little better, he could still find a sucker out there with more money. If he plays significantly better or to his potential and mixes well with TMac and Yao, then the Rockets can legally give him a much bigger deal. Or he can shop himself again.
Bottom line, if he wants a chance to start over and prove people wrong, he couldn't have asked for a much better cir stance than playing between Yao and TMac, and under Van Gundy. And for Houston, if he produces at a similar rate to his history with increased minutes, they'd be pretty happy for MLE.
Dropping 'Anchor' on the NBA
By Bill Simmons
Page 2
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...s/050805&num=0
Before we delve into Part II of my "Anchorman"/NBA column, a few readers were wondering why it took me so long to see the movie in the first place. Honestly? When it came out to mixed reviews, I assumed that it was more on the "Night at the Roxbury"/"Ladies Man" level than the "Austin Powers" level. But if you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine -- I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you, right here.
On to Part II. Eighteen more quotes and exchanges from "Anchorman," handed out to the best and worst of the NBA's offseason so far:
18a. "Well guess what? Now this is happening. (Kicks dog over a bridge.) That's how I roll."
To Joe Johnson, who absorbed various slights from the Suns over the past 13 months, eventually signed a $70 million deal with Atlanta, then told Phoenix, "Don't bother matching, I don't want to come back." Normally, I'm against the player in this type of situation, but here was one of the best 25 players in the league with leverage ... and they yanked him around for a solid year. Now he's gone. Can you blame him?
In fact ...
18b. "Whhaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha! The man punished Baxter ... whaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha. Mrmmememme motorcycle bridge I hit him with a burrito-ahhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a glass case of emotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Not only was that one of the funniest moments in the movie, it inspired me to put my Hubie Brown wig on for a couple of sentences. Here we go ... )
Now, you're a Suns fan. Last summer, your team sacrificed the No. 7 pick for enough cap space to sign Steve Nash and Quentin Richardson, who are two outstanding young men. The team ended up winning 62 games and becoming the talk of the league, and the Western Finals would have been a completely different series with a healthy Johnson, who's an extraordinary young man. Now, you trade 'Q' and the 21st pick for Kurt Thomas, a big body that you desperately need. That allows you to move Amare Stoudamire to his natural position, power forward, where the sky is the limit for him. And after you signed Raja Bell to beef up your bench, you were probably the favorite for the 2006 le.
(Taking off the Hubie wig ... )
So what happened? Johnson gets traded for Boris Diaw and two future first-rounders. How does that make sense? You spend the last two years giving away first-rounders and building a contender for the immediate future ... now you're trading one of your three indispensable players for future picks? Whaaaaaaaaaat???? More importantly, has anyone ever won the "Executive of the Year" award (like Bryan Colangelo in 2005) and been eligible for the Bill Russell Worst Executive of the Year Award in the same calendar year? Suddenly, they're one Steve Nash herniated disk away from winning 35 games. Unbelievable.
Of course ...
18c. "Take me to Pleasure Town!"
"Oh, we're going there!"
Not so fast, Hawks fans. Given the events of Thursday night, we're changing this one to ...
18d. "I immediately regret this decision."
Yep, you knew the Hawks would somehow screw this up. As the headline on ESPN.com said, "Discord among Hawks partners delaying deal with Suns," with their ownership group apparently battling over the trade (one partner is against it). Reportedly, there was even a restraining order filed, which normally doesn't happen in the NBA unless one of the Trail Blazers is involved. Regardless of how this plays out, you have to feel terrible for Hawks fans ... all 1,500 of them.
19. "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Di-ah-go, which of course in German means 'a whale's vagina.'"
To Nikoloz Tskitishvili, who parlayed a 25-point summer league game into an actual contract offer from the Wolves. Seriously, who's worse than him? You might as well offer Dennis Rodman a contract at that point. Unbelievable. None of this would be happening in Minnesota if Kevin McHale were still alive.
The Joe Johnson snafu would be bad news for Hawks fans ... if there were any.
(By the way, classic Ferrell at the end of this scene, when Applegate corrects him and tells him that it's really the "Saints of Diego," and Ferrell dismisses her with "agree to disagree." High comedy, although he still peaks in the phone booth scene. Another quintessential Ferrell moment happens near the end, when he's telling the bartender -- That Guy from "Heat," by the way -- how Applegate took his job, then he revs the bad acting into fifth gear with, "And you know what the worst thing is? She's better than me. She's better than me." That's a lost art -- the comedian who's clearly kidding, but he can have an acting moment, anyway. Although he's no Adam Carolla in this respect. Few people are. All right, I'm rambling.)
20. "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly . . . mmmm mmmm mmmm."
To Charlie Villanueva, a nice enough college player who went 10 spots too early (not his fault) and took a Joey Buttafuoco/Scott Peterson-level beating from fans and media members over the subsequent few weeks. Just wait until the season starts and he becomes the first rookie ever to get booed at home -- they're going to have to swipe the key to his mini-bar on road trips. Poor Charlie. And you think I'm sneaking in a "Beds are burning" joke here, but I'm not.
21. "You are a smelly pirate hooker! Why don't you go back to your home on Island!"
The funniest fight in the movie goes to the funniest fight of the offseason: Portland's Ha Seung-Jin (a 7-foot-3 South Korean) and Nedzad Sinanovic (a 7-foot-3 Bosnian) getting into a fistfight while shooting free throws at a summer workout, with Ha reportedly screaming, "I'll sue! I'll sue!" before getting pulled away. But it didn't stop there: Ha found Sinanovic in the team's weight room and attacked him with a wooden stretching pole, nailing him twice before they were separated. Within 24 hours, they had made up.
But that's not my favorite part. In John Canzano's report about the incident for The Oregonian, he mentioned how this was a good-natured altercation compared to some of the Portland incidents in the past, leading to this paragraph: "This isn't the same as Zach Randolph cold- ing Ruben Patterson two seasons ago, breaking his eye socket, then being chased around the facility, and later having to spend the night, in hiding, at Dale Davis' house because Randolph feared for his life. The Ha-Sinanovic bout was about good compe ion, and frustration, and boiling points."
(Umm ... hiding out at Dale Davis' house? What? How have I never heard that one before? What else don't I know about the 1998-2005 Blazers? Why hasn't there been a five-hour "E! True Hollywood Story" yet? Why aren't cameras rolling at that facility at all times? I know, I know, I ask this every summer. Yeah, but still.)
22. "I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!"
To Michael Finley, who is in danger of being dumped in Dallas with the Amnesty Clause -- which is so confusing that ESPN.com's Marc Stein wrote 25 columns about it in the last three weeks and I still can't understand it. The question remains: Why waive a solid player with a ridiculous contract to save a few bucks when you could simply trade that ridiculous contract to the Knicks? That's what I can't figure out. Regardless, wouldn't you bet anything that Finley is playing with a chip on his shoulder next season? Me, too.
More importantly, had Vince Carter known last season that he could potentially receive two paychecks for quitting on the Raptors, what would he have been capable of? Would he have just started launching 3s at his own basket? Blocking the shots of his own teammates? Showing up naked for games? Where would the line have been drawn?)
23. "I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said -- my tummy itches."
To former Cavs GM Jim Paxson again ... in yesterday's column, I mistakenly blamed Philly GM Billy King for the fact that Kevin Ollie possesses a $15 million contract right now. Actually, Paxson was the one who signed Ollie to that deal; King then traded for it the following season. So my facts were screwed up. But since I forgot to mention King signing Derrick Coleman's decomposing body to a $20 million extension three years ago, we're probably even here.
(While we're here, kudos to Steve Carell as Brick Tamlin -- normally the Token Dumb Guy is a thankless role, but he's outstanding in this movie -- good enough that I'm even thinking about seeing "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" in the theaters. Which reminds me, does he wear an A.C. Green jersey at any point in that movie? Was A.C. hired as a consultant? Has anyone written about this yet?)
24. "I mean, come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean, they rev my engine -- but they don't belong in the newsroom!"
To NBA TV, who keeps insisting on showing WNBA games when they could be showing classic NBA games in their place. Sure, I'm the only TiVo owner in the country who gave "NBA Hardwood Classics" the pole position spot on their TiVo season pass, but still. Throw me a bone here. I need my weekly Bird fix. I need my weekly M.J. fix. Heck, I need my weekly Gus Williams fix. Please tell me their season is ending soon. Please.
25. "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice."
Think the Nets are sleeping like babies right now?
To the Nets, who geared their entire summer around a Shareef Abdur-Rahim sign-and-trade and found out he couldn't pass a physical. Ouch. Why not pursue Antoine Walker over Shareef? Since when has Shareef ever been on a winning team? Isn't he the quintessential "Good stats/bad team" guy of the past 10 years? And while we're here, everyone needs to settle down with the whole "The Nets could be a top-five team!" stuff. Let's get an extended look at Kidd's knees and Vince's everything before we start lumping them in with the Pistons, Pacers and Heat.
By the way, quote No. 25 cracks my list of the most underrated things about "Anchorman," along with ...
• Burgundy's fake mustache. It's just a little off -- like maybe 1/10th tilted, like they spent an entire day in the makeup room tinkering with it before deciding, "All right, we got it, that's sufficiently ridiculous!"
• The "Smokey and the Bandit" blooper randomly thrown in the closing credits.
• Tim Robbins' curly afro and sideburns, right out of the John MacLeod/Randy West Collection. Somebody needs to get that going again.
• The fake TV ads, in which everyone suddenly looks up at the camera at the same time. Total '70s. You really had to be there. This stuff actually happened.
• Fred Willard casually telling his son on the phone, "Chris, listen to me, put down the gun and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank."
26. "Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!"
To Larry Brown ... forget about the way he killed Team USA in Greece last summer, how he openly solicited other jobs while coaching the Pistons, how he distracted the Pistons enough that it might have cost them the 2005 le, how he exaggerated his health problems to keep the Pistons hanging this summer. In the end, he didn't even have the dignity to resign before taking his dream job with the Knicks -- which is what he's always wanted; and if you don't believe me, read the chapter about him in "Wait Till Next Year" by William Goldman and Mike Lupica, which only came out 17 years ago. Nope, he needed to weasel out an extra $7 million from the Pistons on his way out the door. Good guy. Hopefully, he'll be named Sleazeball Magazine's "Sportsman of the Year" this December.
Oh yeah. Here's a match made in heaven.
(The best part of this bizarre saga? Knicks fans talking themselves into the Isiah-Brown combo, when the two have caused more damage than any tag-team since Mr. Fuji and Mr. Saito. Like this is going to end well. What's the over/under for Larry complaining about Isiah? Nov. 15? Dec. 1? And what's funnier than the thought of Stephon Marbury and Jamal Crawford torturing Brown with ill-advised 25-footers in his twilight years? Sometimes, you get what you deserve in the end. Just ask Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells.)
27. "This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up."
One of the best moments goes to the best NBA news of the summer: They're having the 2007 All-Star Game in Vegas! Gentleman, start your condoms! What's the record for "most groupies in one city"? What's the record for "most money collected at a $100 blackjack table by a single casino?" What's the record for "most illegitimate children spawned within a 5-mile radius in 48 hours?" What are the odds that this weekend will lead to me ending up in the Boston Herald's "Inside Track" and eventually getting divorced? And most important, who gets the "Real World" suite at the Palms? David Stern? Michael Jordan? Mark Cuban? Do the Maloofs keep it themselves? What about cramming 45 porn stars in there, loading the place with cameras and seeing what happens? Actually, this news item deserves its own column.
28. "We need you. , I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damned much. I miss being with you. I mess being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together."
To the Celtics' front office and coach Doc Rivers, who need to start saying similar things to Paul Pierce every day from this point on ... or else he's going to make Vince Carter's Operation Sabotage in Toronto look like child's play by comparison. Pierce is 28 years old, nearly made the NBA Finals three years ago, is the fourth-highest scorer in the league since 1997, and is one of those guys who watches old playoff games on ESPN Classic and NBA TV and wishes he was playing in them. You really think he wants to go through another rebuilding effort and bridge the gap between the Pierce/Antoine Era and the Green/Jefferson Era? Please.
(Prediction: This is going to end badly. Repeat: Badly. They're doing the right thing with the youth movement, but they need to move Pierce before they're getting 30 cents on the dollar in December. Which is precisely how this will play out. I'm telling you.)
29. "People call me the Bry Man, I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes -- I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes -- my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right and you just might get to meet the whole gang.
The greatest moment of the movie goes to the greatest moment of the summer: Isiah Thomas signing Jerome James to a five-year, $29 million contract. Seriously, what were the odds that James' agent took him out to dinner right before the playoffs and said: "Look, I know you're lazy, I know you don't care, but all you have to do is play hard for four weeks and I guarantee Isiah will make you a ridiculous offer ... can you do that? Can you break a sweat for four weeks? This summer, after we sign the deal, you can put on 75 pounds for all I care. Just give me four weeks!"
(Quick aside on the above quote: A few months ago, a reader e-mailed it to me as a mailbag question, and because I didn't know the context, it was so bizarre that I literally didn't know how to react or how to answer it. I thought the guy had sent it along after going through about 25 bong hits and a bag of Kit Kats. So I was trying to figure out the right response, and then I saw the movie and realized what had happened. And yes, this is my actual job, to determine things like, "Why is this reader telling me that he nicknamed his testicles James Westphal and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater?")
30. "I know that one day, Veronica and I are going to get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs ... and we will dance. Until the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band and we will tour the country ... and you won't be invited!"
To Cavs fans, who were swayed by the Ilgauskas/Hughes/Marshall signings (all good ones, by the way) into thinking that LeBron will stay in Cleveland for the long haul (and multiple championships). Personally, I think you have a better chance of seeing Leo DiCaprio in a "Growing Pains" reunion movie. But that's just me.
31. "I don't know how to put this ... but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me ... I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too. He comes over on occasion."
To Latrell Sprewell, who passed up a $21 million extension under the "I need to feed my family" rationale, and now he's looking at ... well, nothing. We're inching closer and closer to my idea for the reality series on ESPN2, in which Latrell hangs out on his yacht in Milwaukee and does yacht captain things. Do you think he's like my stepdad -- constantly on the boat, washing it off, hooking up needless equipment, wearing blue polo shorts and waving to everyone who sails by? Does he just keep it docked and have parties on it? What does he wear when he's entertaining guests? Does he dress like Judge Smails? Does he keep a bong on the boat? And does the bong have a name like "Gilligan?" See, we need to know these things, right?
32. "Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?"
"Yeah, maybe sit the next couple plays out."
To Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, who seems determined to squander Kobe Bryant's prime (as evidenced by the Bynum pick and Kwame trade). Has there ever been this many NBA GMs who clearly have no idea what they're doing? I mean, clearly? For instance, have you ever been stuck in an airport metal detector behind a senior citizen? They get the deer-in-the-headlights look. They're inexplicably terrified to put their belongings into one of those round cups. They set off the detector nine times before they finally make it through. By the time it's over, you're trying to swallow your tongue. Well, that's how I feel when I watch guys like Kupchak, Rob Bab and Isiah trying to run their own team -- I feel like I'm stuck in line at the airport.
This can't be happening. Please, let it end. Oh, my God, just listen to them, take off your belt ... oh, Lord ... now you've done it ...
33. "They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time."
To Miami, for rolling the dice with White Chocolate under the M.J./Rodman Alpha Dog Corollary -- namely, that even the biggest head case will fall into line with the right alpha dog. And just for the record, I liked what Miami did (acquiring Jason Williams, Antoine Walker and James Posey for the Eddie Jones pu pu platter). How could anyone call that a risky move? It isn't like they were pulling a Mark Cuban and overhauling their roster for the of it. It's a better team.
(Although you have to feel for Damon Jones, who played one of the worst Game 7s in recent memory against Detroit and probably cost himself $20 million in the process. Suddenly, we're T-minus two years from Jones replacing John Salley on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period.")
34. "I have nothing left! Nothing! I have been reduced to rubble!"
You can stop shooting now, Gary. Uhhh, Gary?
To Gary Payton ... you mean there haven't been any takers for a washed-up point guard with a bad back who can't shoot, can't guard anyone and still thinks he can play 40 minutes a game? I can't believe it! What's this world coming to? Come on, GP. Hang it up. We don't want to be adding a GP Clippers jersey or a GP Cavaliers jersey to Mitc and Ness' Collection of Depressing End-of-the-Career Throwback Jerseys someday (along with Namath's Rams jersey, Rice's Broncos jersey, Mays' Mets jersey and everything else). Put the basketball sneakers down, GP. Come on. Please. Put them down. Let's start the Hall of Fame countdown. Come on.
35. "You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and [Bleep] McGee."
"Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. [Bleep] McGee is on vacation."
One of my favorite moments goes to my favorite offseason strategy, courtesy of the Wizards, who parlayed a potentially bad situation (Larry Hughes and Kwame Brown either splitting town or holding the team hostage financially) into a good situation (Antonio Daniels, Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins at one-third the price). When NBA teams use logic, it's almost disarming. I never know what to do with myself.
Bonus Quote No. 1. "Uh, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?"
"No, no. Too many people died last year."
To Allen Iverson ... what would be more entertaining than the "First Annual Allen Iverson Celebrity Golf Tournament"? Anything? Anything at all? Imagine AI showing up five hours late for his 9 a.m. tee time? How would he be dressed? How would he react if he missed a 4-foot putt? Or imagine a terrified Kyle Korver in a foursome with 50 Cent, Ron Artest and Ice Cube? What about Jim Nantz saying, "Let's go to Verne Lundquist on 16, where there's apparently been some gunfire again." I might devote the rest of my life to making this tournament happen. After all, if Michael Douglas can have a celebrity golf tournament, why can't Allen Iverson?
Bonus Quote No. 2. "Today we spell redemption, R-O-N."
To Ron Artest, who quietly traveled down to Vegas and played summer league ball last month, just to show that his heart was in the right place. Hey, if Ron Burgundy can come back from telling San Diego to bleep off, anything's possible.
And on that note: Stay classy, San Diego.
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.
So great.
I'm thinking of naming my first child Bill Simmons Stout.
Greatest. Sports Columnist. Ever.
The Portland story is hilarious about Z-Bo and Kobe Killer, Imagine Tim roughing up Bruce and then Hiding out at 50's house because hes scared or imagine Oberto and Rasho dukeing it out in practice.
Notice the Spurs weren't mentioned once in either Part 1 or 2. And Simmons likes them, too.
Because they haven't done anything stupid and we don't have a history of doing borderline franchise killing moves.
I second that.
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