Reply With Quote
Too long did not read.
I'm smart...very smart...and did not have too much trouble dating so your article. Maybe you have trouble because you are ugly or weird. No offense.
Good read, tbh.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-ali..._b_169939.html
I'd rather take choice C though. You can't let the "program" take care of everything. Good sex is just like the fluorescent Lamborghini on exhibition, you love it and want to have it but you know it's not something you can afford without several million dollars in your pocket. You can't just let "program" take the best of you, buy it on credit (even if you have so big a credit line) at the risk of bankruptcy, or take it home by force at the risk of spending several years behind bars.I have a mini-confession to make: I wrote the Tao of Dating books specifically for really smart people. The writing of the books was precipitated by the endemic dating woes on the Harvard campus as I observed them as an advisor and, earlier, indulged in them as a student.Those kids graduate and pretty much continue to have the same dating woes -- only now with fewer single people around who happen to live in the same building and share meals with them every day. So if they had challenges then, it gets about 1,000 times worse once they're tossed from the warm womb of their alma mater.
From my observations, the following dating challenges seem to be common to most smart people. In fact, the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you're going to have in your dating life. Once upon a day I used to be pretty smart, and believe me, I had a lock on clueless.
On the one hand, this makes no sense. Smart people can figure stuff out, right? And this stuff is simple!
On the other hand, it makes total sense. For simple things, it takes someone smart to really screw it up. So whether you went (or should have gone) to the likes of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, MIT, Stanford, Columbia, Cornell, Swarthmore, Amherst, Dartmouth, Brown, Oxford, Cambridge, Berkeley, Penn, Caltech, Duke, read on:
1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.
Smart kids usually come from smart families. And smart families are usually achievement-oriented. Bring me home those straight As, son. Get into those top colleges, daughter. Take piano, violin, tennis, swimming and Tibetan throat-singing lessons. Win every award there is in the book. Be "well-rounded."
Well, you're a talented little bugger. Of course you should develop those talents. At the same time, there's an opportunity cost associated with achievement. Time spent studying, doing homework, and practicing the violin is time not spent doing other things -- like chasing boys or girls, which turns out is fairly instrumental in making you a well-rounded human.
The upshot of all that achievement is that you get into a top college -- congratulations! -- and then continue doing even more of what you were doing before. Dating is at best another extracurricular, number six or number seven down the list, somewhere between Model UN and intramural badminton.
I've been co-hosting young alumni events for name-brand schools for long enough to know that these kids come out a little lopsided (which sounds so much better than "socially awkward," don't you think?). All they need is a little tune up, or a little dating textbook like The Tao of Dating for Women or The Tao of Dating for Men, to get them going -- plus a little practice.
Of course, as noted above, things only get worse once you graduate. And if you're frustrated with your love life, you just might try to compensate by working harder and achieving even more to fill that void. Left untreated, this condition can go on for decades. I know people in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond who still haven't figured out how to create an intimate connection with another human being.
It's because they've been going at it the wrong way. Which brings us to...
2. Smart people feel that they're en led to love because of their achievements.
For most of their lives, smart people inhabit a seemingly-meritocratic universe: If they work hard, they get good results (or, in the case of really smart folks, even if they don't work hard, they still get good results). Good results mean kudos, strokes, positive reinforcement, respect from peers, love from parents.
So it only makes sense that in the romantic arena, it should work the same way. Right? The more stuff I do, the more accomplishments and awards I have, the more girls (or boys) will like me. Right? Please say I'm right, because I've spent a LOT of time and energy ac ulating this mental jewelry, and I'm going to be really bummed if you tell me it's not going to get me laid.
Well, it's not going to get you laid, brother (or sister). It may get you a first date, but it's probably not going to get you a second date. And it certainly won't bring you lasting love and fulfillment.
Here's the thing: Your romantic success has nothing to do with your mental jewelry and everything to do with how you make the other person feel. And making someone feel a certain way is a somewhat nonlinear process that requires a different kind of mastery than that of calculus or Shakespeare.
In other words, you need to earn love (or at least lust). Sadly, no mom, dad or professor teaches us about the power of the well-placed compliment (or put-down), giving attention but not too much attention, being caring without being needy. I wrote a whole 280-page book about that, so that's a story for a different day.
3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being and therefore don't act like one.
At some point in your life, you got pegged as a smart person. From then on, that was your principal iden y: The Smart One. Especially if you had a sibling who was better looking than you, in which case she (or he) was The Pretty One.
Now you could be absolutely stunning (in which case you're both smart AND pretty and everyone hates you except for me -- call me, like, immediately), but your iden y is still bound up in being The Smart One. So maybe you dress frumpy and don't pay a lot of attention to your appearance. Or never bothered to cultivate your sensuality as a woman. Or your sexual aggression as a male.
Attracting a partner is all about the dance of polarity. Energy flows between positive and negative electrodes, anode and cathode, magnetic north and south. Unless you actually convey femininity as a woman or masculinity as a man, you're not going to attract a suitable companion of the opposite sex.
Part of the issue is this: When all of your personal energy is concentrated in the head, it never gets a chance to trickle down to the heart, or, god forbid, the groin. By virtue of being born of the union of male and female, yang and yin, you are a sexual being. Deal with it. Now do what you need to do to perpetuate the race already. Use what mama amoeba gave you.
That brings us to...
4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.
Here's an incontrovertible fact: Every one of your ancestors survived to reproductive age and got it on at least once with a member of the opposite sex. All the way back to erectus. And even further back to Australopithecus. And even further back to monkeys, to lizards, to the first amphibian that crawled out of the slime, the fish that preceded that amphibian, the worm before the fish and the amoeba that preceded the worm.
And you, YOU, in the year 2009 C.E., the culmination of that miraculously unbroken line of succession, you, sapiens sapiens, not just thinking man but thinkingthinking man (or woman), are the only one smart enough to screw the whole thing up.
Perhaps you should consider thinking a little less then.
Because heaven knows that the amoeba, worm, fish, amphibian, monkey and primitive hominids didn't do a whole lot of thinking. Their DNA had a vested interest in perpetuating itself, so it made sure that happened.
Turns out your DNA works the same way, too. And maybe when you're really sloshed at a party and your whole frontal lobe is on vacation in the outer rings of Saturn, you've noticed that your lizard brain knows exactly how to grab that cute girl by the waist for a twirl on the dance floor. Or knows exactly how to arch your back, flip your hair and glance at that handsome hunk just so such that he comes on over to say hi.
To put it plainly, you are programmed to reproduce. Now quit thinking you're smarter than the 3 billion base pairs in your genome and 4 billion years of evolution. Actually, just stop thinking altogether. Let the program do its work.
5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect.
Let's say by "smart" we mean "in the top 5 percent of the population in terms of intelligence and education." Generally speaking, smart people seek out other smart people to hang out with, simply because they get bored otherwise. And if they're going to spend a lot of time with someone, intelligence in a partner is pretty much a requirement.
Well, congratulations -- you've just eliminated 95 percent of the world's population as a potential mate, Mr. or Ms. Smartypants. Now, luckily, the world's kinda big, so the remaining 5 percent of the gender of your choice is still a plentiful 160 million or so people. Even if only 1 percent of those are single enough, good-looking enough, local enough and just all-around cool enough for you, that's over a million people you can date out there.
Still, that's less than 1 in 5,000 people. And if you live in a smaller city, it may be just a handful of folks who are going to meet your stringent criteria.
At this point, you have three choices:
A) Loosen up
B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR
C) Join a monastery.
My hearty recommendation is choice A. The purpose of relationship (and perhaps all of life) is to practice the loving. No partner is going to be 100 percent perfect anyway, so learn to appreciate people for what they have to offer, not what they don't. And love them for that. That's what real loving is.
Nobody's asking to lower your standards here; you should still spend time only with worthwhile company. But do question the standards to see whether they're serving you or you're serving them.
When you open your heart to love, you may find fulfillment in ways you never imagined possible -- like the day you tried sushi or beer in spite of your trepidation, found it surprisingly alright, and expanded your personal envelope of pleasure. Taking that into consideration, given a choice between happy-go-lucky and picky-but-lonely, happy sounds like more fun.
So here is my conclusion: sex/relationship/marriage has become a luxury in the 21st century, a prerogative to the richest people only. For a smart person who's devoted most of his intelligence in art/science instead of making money, the best choice he/she can make is to remain single and celibate for lifelong, tbh.
Too long did not read.
I'm smart...very smart...and did not have too much trouble dating so your article. Maybe you have trouble because you are ugly or weird. No offense.
Good article and I half can see it that way.
But I'm not that smart so I try to date as much as I can.
I'm not ugly but it's true that I may be a bit weird for someone my age. I feel much more comfortable talking and hanging out with people in their 40s or 50s rather than my peers, I'm probably just too old-school. Today's young people are too bold and crazy imho, and I find it repulsive.
There's no loss that comes without any sort of gain, though. My life may be void of some joy, but on the other hand it means I have more time to spend on my career and a better chance to be successful. God bless me...
Dating shouldn't be difficult. If you're having a hard time dating you're not finding girls similar enough to you for you to be yourself and be liked. Depending on how old you are, it may be time to cut off society and get a half dozen cats.
This isn't true and don't use this as an excuse in life. Not necessarily applied to this topic but some losses won't result in an offsetting gain.
Funny what people come up with.
It's actually more about where you live than anything else.
And whether you can be prosecuted.
Too easy old timer. Fix your game son.
Well actually son only little know nothings aren't aware of that big old world out there that is different than their own.
A little early for you to be so drunk old man.
But it's never too early for you be an idiot.....son.
You are probably right, but I don't think it's that easy to find a girl in this society who...
1. is still a virgin in her late 20s
2. is naive and kindhearted like a teenage girl
3. likes literature and art more than singers and pop stars
4. doesn't refresh her twitter every five minutes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
5. has the brain and diligence to earn herself a Master's degree
6. looks good and fresh despite her age
Girls like this are more extinct than dinosaurs, imho.
lol if a girl is still a virgin in her late 20s that is a huge red flag
True, in most cases being an old virgin indicates that the person has some sort of deficiency, either physical or mental. Maybe I also have something wrong in my mind, I'm not sure.
there's always the monastic life.
Damnnnnnnnnnn
rogue don't ever let anyone take you down, you'll find her eventually or you'll find peace with yourself either way. number 5 was my problem for the longest time as well. i had to write off all the young single moms, then after taking the red pill most women were just too ing stupid for my tastes. caught up in that stupid ass degenerate pop culture yolo social media kardashian obsessed bull . probably china isn't nearly as bad as the USA in terms of degeneracy so you've got that going for you, it can be done trust me. another problem is you probably don't look or put yourself out there. when you're young and have your already ironed out and have money to lose it can be scary because women want to "date up" and most don't bring anything to the table comparable to what you can offer.
Thanks m>s, that "lunar goddess" said something similar to me as well. She was right we were really not the right fits for each other, we had absolutely different backgrounds, to begin with. She's from a small town and she has a little brother back home, so she has to work hard like a dog to earn herself a decent living in a big city, earn herself everything that I take for granted, while I am a spoiled kid who's used to the city life with my parents' resources. I let her down yet she still wished me good, it's luck of mine to have such a good friend like her tbh, even though we're just friends... There's no point ruing the past, and the most important thing is to seize the present.
There's a girl that I came to know in my new workplace who seems to fit my criteria, I don't quite know her yet so it's too early to make the judgement. She is about my age, well educated and decent looking. She looks so naive I wouldn't feel surprised if you told me she has never dated anyone before (just like me). And her family background is similar to mine (which is a very important factor in china tbh). We belong in the same department (in fact we're the only two newbies recruited by this department this year) so there'll supposedly be massive chances for me (as opposed to the situation I faced last year), I'm not sure whether it is good or bad though, to date someone who you gotta see at work everyday.
Problem is I still feel shy to talk to girls who I don't know quite well. I mean I have no problem talking to a female stranger, or a good female friend of mine like "lunar goddess", but I always feel kinda awkward to talk with a girl who's supposed to have some sort of loose social ties with me. Maybe we'll get to know each other through work, and if we share some common interests in something, for example music, art, literature etc... it'd be natural for us to flock together, but only time will tell. And I think I will continue to ask for honest advice from you guys, even though Spurstalk is like the worst place in the world to talk about personal issues.
TLDR
But I'm assuming it's because they think too much
that bro. I dont believe in letting people down easy. It's condesinding imo. Like she's better than you.
that lunar goddess to be honest.
You weren't at fault and certainly dont need to feel like you let her down.
As for that new chick, if you like her and she seems to be into you, act faster this time. Put your cards on the table and let it fly. No need to put yourself through heartbreak if things dont go well this time either.
Thanks bro. Maybe our coworkers will also find the similarities between us and offer some help. I have to be careful this time around because, you know, I don't need to deal with the whole anymore after I graduate, but it's not feasible for me to change my job anytime soon so it's easy to say I'll work with that new chick in the same department for a very long time. I think both of us are somewhat passive when it comes to "this" issue, and that's probably a good reason why we're both fresh and single even at this age. Maybe some older coworkers or supervisors at our department will help us a bit. I need to be more active, yes, but I must also make sure I don't act too bold or appear desperate. We're going to work at the same department and there'll be massive opportunities so I don't need to do it in a rush.
Or she's a lesbian.
Never let anyone call you useless Larry. You'll always be a great example of the wrong way to live.
So when did your chubby black ass start pretending to be white....you sound like you're a full on sexual with all the women bashing....you're nothing but a nasty fat gay black ass nikka with a big booty like shenaynay....
Or she's also a celibate who only recently decided to relinquish her old lifestyle under the pressure from her parents.
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
