Advice & Comments

[tlongII]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Coope

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
- e Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will
avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere.
-Unknown

[Extra Stout]

All of those comments were made by white people.

[1Parker1]

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

[pache100]

"Well, we've made the decision to defeat the terrorists abroad so we don't have to face them here at home. And when you engage the terrorists abroad, it causes activity and action."—George W. Bush, April 28, 2005

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." — George W. Bush, 9/13/01

"...Secondly, he is not escaping us. This is a guy, who, three months ago, was in control of a county [sic]. Now he's maybe in control of a cave. He's on the run. Listen, a while ago I said to the American people, our objective is more than bin Laden. But one of the things for certain is we're going to get him running and keep him running, and bring him to justice. And that's what's happening. He's on the run, if he's running at all. So we don't know whether he's in cave with the door shut, or a cave with the door open -- we just don't know...."—George W. Bush, Crawford TX, 12/28/01

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."—George W. Bush, 3/13/02

"I am truly not that concerned about him."—George W. Bush, 3/13/02

"I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him."—George W. Bush, 3/13/02

"Uhh—Gosh, I —don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those, uhh, exaggerations." — George W. Bush, Tempe, AZ, 10/13/2004

[Spam]

"I'd hit it!"