Morons 1-3 all work at a furniture store. As some may know my wife and I are looking at buying a house in the coming months, which carries the unfortunate reality that we will need furniture to put in that house. As my wife can attest I would just as soon sit on the floor for the rest of my life than shop for furniture and these guys draw up the point perfectly. We enter the store and meet Moron # 1, whose name I think may have been Brad. Brad looks like he's going for a Sean John kind of a look, but looks more like a cross between Tony Parker and K-Fed. Upon hearing the words, "We're not looking to buy anything today," most commission salesmen would move on to someone who might want to buy something today, but not Brad Federpark. The hamster wheel in his brain starts really running and he gets an idea. "Maybe if I really cling to these people and act as obnoxiously as possible they will buy furniture from me." So he's pointing out every damn set we walk past as though we're incapable of simply reading the tag on them (not that those prices mean anything anyways.) So finally the wife and I get backed into a corner with a sectional. Tony Parkerline then goes to get his manager see what kind of a deal we can get today. Moron #2 has no name, but looks like a 12 year old with a goatee. Wouldn't you know it? If were willing to buy today they'll knock a $1000 off the original price. Really! Can you believe it? They must really like us to do something like that because I know that they always just sell the furniture at its original price to their other customers. I'm quite positive they do the same at other furniture stores to, so I'd have to be insane to pass up on a once in a life time deal like that. Or so Morons 1 and 2 would have me think. At this point I've decided that these bags aren't deserving of our money, and so has my wife. We politely turn down the offer six or seven times and that there are other places we want to check out and start moving towards the door. Moron #3, a pudgy Hispanic dude who I think may own the place, swoops in to delay the day. He actually stars in their commercials, which now make me want to throw bricks at my TV. Apparently he's the only one of the employees that is capable of reading the store ads posted everywhere in this place because he realizes that the sectional we got cornered into (that we don't even like!) is on sale this weekend! Another $500 off! Wowee wow wow! This is incredible! So incredible that I ponder whether or not murdering all three of these bas s would really cons ute a crime. They beg us just to sit on the sofa one last time and tell them that we don't want it before we go. The wife and I relent and go to sit on the sectional if for no other reason that to get some distance between us and the stink of desperation coming off of K-Fark, The Goatteed Midget, and Hispano- . Two minutes later Mr. Britney Longoria comes over and we repeat our refusals about nine more times and make a bee-line for the door in search of other furniture deals. Then my wife (who I love very much but wanted to divorce at that moment) notes a set that she likes but doesn't have a price tag and asks one of these dopes for a price. And just like that all three are back on us like flies on . Now they're harping on us to put some money down and they'll hold it for us when we come back, and they are quite confident we will be back because there's no better deal to be had in Houston (which isn't the case, as we had just come from another furniture store that offered a better deal, and even then I'd make my own furniture before I gave these butt plugs a dime.) At this point I hit the ejection button, make up an imaginary friend that we have dinner plans with, and on the way out note a few structural points to plant explosives if I ever come back this way.
Moron #4 is a realtor who just may be the worst real estate agent ever. His name was Jim, but I've taken to calling him "Gil" after the loser salesman on The Simpsons.
So ol' Gil is showing us two properties today-a three bed townhouse and a two bed one. I know nothing about being a real estate agent, but after five minutes with this guy I can tell you how to be a bad one. First off, you need to be late. This gives your prospective buyers more time to debate how much they really want to even look at these properties since you were such a head over the phone. Next, make sure that your pants are falling down, even though you have a belt on. Constantly having to pull your pants up distracts the clients from the fact that the places you are showing are holes. Then be sure that the places you are showing are at a comfortable sweltering 90 degrees, at the very least. This helps highlight the lack of installed fans and how much it's going to cost to even try to keep a place this size cool using just the air conditioning. And finally, have no knowledge whatsoever of the property you are trying to sell. If the buyers have questions, tell them you don't know the answer to any of them. By following all of these techniques you will ensure that you are the worst real estate agent in Houston, guaranteeing that people will talk about you at parties for year's to come. You can't buy that kind of publicity.
And finally Moron #5, Nerd Jesus. Nerd Jesus hangs out in the theatre showing X-3 with his disciples (although he only has 11 followers, they do hang on his word like he's God's gift to nerds). Like Jesus he has long hair, facial hair, and sandals. Also like Jesus, I'm pretty he's going to die at the hands of an angry mob of dorks that he's trying to save for proclaiming that Scott Bakula was a better Star Trek captain than William Shatner. And for one final similarity, it's a safe bet this guy will die without any reliable record of him getting with a woman. With his followers gathered before the big screen as the finals credits roll after the film (and those of us that have been tipped off wait for the scene that follows), NJ sermonize on what the movie meant, why it was important, and what it could teach us. I sat wondering which of these people with him would be the Judas that would betray him by calling his parents when he broke his curfew. Then after the brief scene following the credits, NJ declares to his followers and those that were still in the theatre, "Everyone who left early are losers!" It was a comforting thought that Liz and I were declared not losers by no less an authority than their Lord and Savior.
And those my friends, are the Five Morons You Meet in Houston.
Last edited by spurs_fan_in_exile; 05-30-2006 at 01:28 PM.
I was going toand tell you that it wasn't that bad, but it really, really, really was. Shudder.
That was so good, I forgot about the lack of paragraphing.
Hey, did SFIE mention that the realtor's PANTS FELL DOWN? Because they did. The man's PANTS. Fell. Down. He was wearing tighty-whities. I know this, because the man's pants fell down. Despite his belt.
I don't think he was an actual realtor. Just a very creative flasher.
Stop by Gallery Furniture today. No more back back back back back order slips. Shop today and watch your new TV on your new living room set tonight. Gallery Furniture saves you MONNEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Now THAT is funny.
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