Things You Have To Believe To Vote Republican Today.
1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
3. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation, especially so if they are paying women less than men.
5. Jesus is GOD (and all that implies, like omnipotent, omniscient, and He Created Everything!) He loves *You*...and shares your hatred of sexuals and Hillary Clinton.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in flowery speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
11. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
13. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Cons ution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
14. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
15. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
16. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
17. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Don't forget:
18. Saddam destroying his stockpile of WMD's in the 90's is a conspiracy theory, but Saddam shipping his WMD stockpile to Syria and Iran is a fact (and let's not forget the ~500 mus and sarin gas bombs they found - see there were WMDs) .
I'm George W Bush and I approve this message.
Well, there's certainly more evidentiary support for the latter.Don't forget:
18. Saddam destroying his stockpile of WMD's in the 90's is a conspiracy theory, but Saddam shipping his WMD stockpile to Syria and Iran is a fact (and let's not forget the ~500 mus and sarin gas bombs they found - see there were WMDs
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