Here’s who’ll be on my staff:
Director of Media Relations – Ducks – having Ducks in charge of all my press releases should ensure that we stay CIA. Navajo codetalkers won’t even know what we’re up to.
Team Physician 1- Admiral – Life hasn’t been the same without my wingman. If he isn’t done with medical school yet he can practice his surgical skills on millionaire ballplayers…I’m sure they’ll be fine with that.
Team Physician 2 – JimCS50 – Yes, I know he’s a dentist, but I’m sure his medical training will allow him to treat whatever could happen to someone on a basketball court. How difficult can it be assess a high ankle sprain? It’s so simple a dentist could do it.
Head Athletic Trainer – ShoogarBear – I know Shoog has some sort of medical or physical therapy background, only I’m not really sure what he does exactly. He’s kind of like Chandler on Friends in that respect. I figure if he can shoot the cortisone shots it’s all good. Our team just has a bunch of foreign floppers anyway, so there really won’t be any real injuries to worry about.
Strength and Conditioning Coach – GIG – I want all my players to be able to jump as high as him….I just hope the players don’t all bulk up like he has. I hope GIG isn’t linked to Balko anytime soon. Optional replacement for the same reasons: Norcal.
Basketball Operations Assistant – Cosmic Cowboy – Since I’ll really be handling most of the basketball operations as the GM anyway I just need someone in this spot who’ll be fun to party with. If half of Cosmic’s tales are true I want to hang out with this guy!
Assistant GM – Kori Ellis is a no brainer for this job. Much like Sam Presti, she’ll be the power behind the throne, and I’ll simply take all the credit for all her great ideas.
Director of College Player Personnel/Scouting – Timvp in this position should ensure that my team won’t ever draft another Marcus Williams. MarcusBryant will be a good replacement after another team hires Timvp away to be their GM within six months.
Shooting Coach – T Park apparently can shoot some mean halftime contest hoop. That’s all the evidence I need to hire him as my shooting coach.
Director of Pro Player Personnel – Sequ, the obvious choice. If anyone can relate to today’s NBA player, it’s SequSpur. And, as a failsafe, if player mutiny is afoot, Sequ is the perfect height to go around and give the players each a pacifying hummer. Worst case, he can entertain the troops by farting corn kernels.
Director of Foreign Player Development – Angel Luv – She’ll be able to keep me updated on which Slovenian player looks the hottest in his uniform. Important information if the team is ever involved in a “pose-off”.
3rd Assistant Coach – Whottt – In case things go badly I need a scapegoat on my staff that I can blame for any poor decisions that I make. Since no one would believe it if I blamed my assistant GM, I’ll need Whottt around.
2nd Assistant Coach – CoachTF – This team needs one real coach.
Assistant Head Coach – AggieHoopsfan – Most of the time I agree with his opinions. His occasional hot head makes me a little hesitant to make him the head coach, but as the top assistant he should be able to enrage at least one player enough to result in his being choked a time or two. The entertainment value in that alone is worth the hire. I considered Ghostwriter for this position, only I knew I’d probably only have him around for two or three games a year.
Head Coach – Solid D – Hopefully I won’t have to fire him thirteen games into the season and replace him with myself because this could severely strain our friendship.
You can't have whottt without having Chump in that assistant coach mix, too. I hope Solid has a strong stomach.
Also, since you have astutely recognized that you want to have to do as little work as possible, you need a salary cap guru like Bruno or one of the other local wonks.
I'd work on that team for free for the sheer entertainment value.
Chopper is the GM. I'm pretty sure we'd all be working for free.
LOL at the GIG and Norcal idea.
Whottt needs to be in a position where he would be handling press conferences. I'd make him figurehead Head Coach for that reason alone.
Brutalis will be overseas finding Euro duds for ya.
Ill be the Chinese Translator for Mexican Players
Well, the price is right. If Holt finds this thread you might have just signed the pink slips for the entire current Spurs staff.
Sooo, I am the next Tark, eh? You need more women on your team, though.
Great idea threads like this one can really help us to congeal after our meltdowns.
I'll be the new Crazy Lou but I'll need a double shot of Everclear before I go on the job.
I couldn't wait to hear some of those scouting reports from Europe.
"Sergei Snuffleupagus should be put at the top of our draft board. He's slow, defends poorly, and isn't much of a ball handler, but he's got great intangibles. You can't teach dreamy like this."
I want to be the official "massage therapist"
Great stuff.
Should be moved to "Classic Threads" as soon as we're done enjoying it!
Who gets to be the mascot?
*ahem*
I don't know but Whottt is damn sure going to be put in charge of that selection.
Ew. Hair ball.
I want director of mascot development...I'll whip that fat coyotes ass into shape so he's stops disgracing the legacy of the original and dragging the entire franchise and city down with him.
Or... Make David Robinson the Coyote. Best of both worlds.
And he's still in pretty good shape...
whottt is a twue cwacka-lacka
Hey, if we can have multiple positions, I want to be director of dance team selection.
. . . wait, "multiple positions" could be misconstrued. How about "multiple jobs"? No, wait . . .
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