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"I even took her toilet paper"
Oh my god I just read this entire topic, every word...time well spent
How is this not a classic thread?
Wow SA210...
Can't believe I missed your story.
"I even took her toilet paper"
Oh my god I just read this entire topic, every word...time well spent
How is this not a classic thread?
+1"I even took her toilet paper"
Oh my god I just read this entire topic, every word...time well spent
How is this not a classic thread?
I just savored my morning coffee reading this thread.
Classic.
Hear! Hear!
SA210...I'm speechless. How are you now?
Sadly ironic 2 years later.
Going through my worst breakup right now. My ex left me 3.5 months ago.
We started dating October 2009, when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term, just a few months, because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. Her background is that her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together ("He'll come up to Dallas and Fort Worth to go to the gun show, but he won't come up to take me to dinner.")
Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage. I have a card from her from last Valentine's Day where she writes "I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I've found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side." She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she'd ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she'd ever been in. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Her parents wanted to meet mine.
Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues. A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and we needed to arrange a dinner to make that happen. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of ring she wanted.
Last fall we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was Thursday, October 14th at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday, October 17th for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility.
So the next Saturday, October 16th, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. The plan was for me to take the TRE train to Arlington so she could pick me up and then we would go to the wedding together.
I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early, so I texted her back and said "We have several hours to kill before the wedding, what do you want to do?" And she texts back "I'll be there in 30 and we can talk." So that got my radar up immediately and I called her and she didn't answer. I called again and she didn't pick up. So when she got to my place I pretty much knew what she was about to do.
Remember how I said she had never been with a guy longer than a year? This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. She says she doesn't feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don't feel neglected by her. She says when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside. She says she's never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She says she doesn't want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don't want to go to and don't have to go to. I tell her that I never resented having to go to weddings with her, I just loved being with her, and I didn't care what we did. After about 15 minutes she got up and left. I missed a couple red flags before she broke up with me. The last month she was a little distant, so I guess she was detaching. She made a very weird comment a few weeks before breaking up about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like "What the ? Don't you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You're not looking forward to that?" And she says don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I'd just rather be there now. There were also a few other occasions where she said she wished Jesus would come back already. She also made a comment that was a precursor to when she broke up with me and she said she couldn't love me the exact same way that I loved her and I needed to be okay with that. Since up to this time we had both been very happy with each other, I thought she was talking about different loving styles and was like "Sure, no problem."
I never called, texted, emailed, IM'd, showed up at her apt or job, sought out her friends or family. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter basically said that I respected her decision, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn't want to do that, then we couldn't be friends or remain in touch.
Her response to that final letter was to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence and then she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back. She didn't know about my grandfather when she wrote but it's something she should have taken care of when she broke up with me.
It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I didn't want to inquire about what she was currently up to and risk info I wouldn't want to hear, nor could I bring up the past without pissing her off. I figured that whining and begging to get back together, or being hateful and spiteful (even if she deserves it) gets their conscience off the hook and eases their guilt, so I played it dignified. After I loaded the bike in her vehicle, I said "I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." And she said "Aww thank you" and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.
I feel a little better these days, not so much sad anymore, but just really angry and frustrated about the whole situation. Angry at her for how she handled things. Frustrated that I can't do anything about it. Intellectually I understand that I was spared even worse pain in the future by her ending things now, since one of three things would have happened: her calling things off between formally getting engaged and the wedding, getting divorced, or being in a marriage with somebody that only allows for so much intimacy and connection and puts up emotional walls. But emotionally it's hard to accept that. Most breakups there is some sort of underlying logic to what is occurring, and that didn't happen here. And she was very immature and cruel in her refusal to communicate. And usually when a relationship ends, it's been going downhill for a while. Things were still very, very good. And then there were the plans and commitment she made that she was unable and unwilling to follow through on. Most people I talk to say that these are commitment/intimacy/abandonment/daddy issues and I'm better off. But man is it hard to emotionally accept that. All you remember is that the relationship itself was grounded and stable, full of love, almost no drama or conflict, and how could somebody walk away from that?
She discarded me like a piece of garbage, and abandoned me when I needed her the most after what happened with my dad. It's not normal to so quickly go from "I love you, I want to marry you, you're the best I've ever had" (and mean it) to wanting me out of your life. The whole thing has been a huge mind . Three and a half months on I feel a little better, but I'm not there yet.
Well fin, as much as it sucks now it's badass that she split. gots problems yo. You don't want to have to deal with it later
Yeah, my brain knows that. Tell it to my heart.
Fin, no trolling here, listen...
1) October 16th. Erase that from your brain. Don't make an anniversary out of it or you'll have to live in it, maybe die a little bit there too.
2) Some people are cowards when it comes to "love," they feel themselves binding to another person and it freaks them out and they run.
3) Some es are crazy, talking about the Rapture and life after death...know what I'm saying? Maybe she's dealing with something psychological or on medication.
4) Clean yourself up, secure as much of yourself as possible. What I mean by this is, not to sound or anything, but don't let HER take your smile. That's the worst thing that can happen, she left you with nothing so don't dare let her take something so important from you.
5) Be thankful you didn't go through the public embarassment of being left at the altar or her cheating on you or her taking your kids/money in a divorce. (no offense to people that have to go through that)
6) There are a lot of women out there, and you're not going to find the next one that makes you want to til Sunrise, get engaged, or have babies with...she's gonna find you, but the only way she'll see you is if you aren't buried under all that baggage.
7) Don't let your ex control contol anything else, she's the past and you've got a future.
Crazy like that happens, happened to me and it ed my up royally, but now I've got a lady that totally changed my idea of relationship dynamics, she's teaching me things about myself instead of letting me just be content in happiness. /end rant
Thanks Stringer. Everything you say is right. I have good days and bad days now, and that's a step up from having nothing but bad days immediately after the breakup. I know that as time goes on the good days will begin to outnumber the bad.
It's funny, I should be happy that she pulled what she did when she did, because it was going to end anyways, and it would have been much worse later on than what already happened. And she doesn't deserve to take up any more real estate in my head and my heart than she already has. I know I'll get through it, it just takes time. As to what you said about baggage, I'm in counseling because I don't want to develop any permanent issues because of this. Temporarily being ed up is one thing, but I don't want her issues to rub off on me.
tbh you should have gone Rushmore on her bike.
She is indeed a coward.
Considering you were in the process of getting married, I probably would have sought out one of her friends/family if for nothing more than to put my own mind at ease. It wouldn't have mattered in the long run but it helps me to wrap my brain around others illogical decisions.
Right now, you're wondering how she could toss your ass out when you were ready to give every ounce of your soul to her. Soon enough, you'll be wondering how you thought her crazy, selfish ass was the one that you should give every ounce of your soul to.
Real, honest perspective and evaluation comes only with time and as your finding out, it's usually a slow, painful process.
She'll feel guilt someday over how she treated me. I don't want to rob her of that. That's far worse than doing something spiteful to let her conscience off the hook. Best revenge is to live well in the aftermath and be a man about the breakup.
I really thought about going to her parents, but they say that dumpers usually have some level of guilt for dumping somebody that they care about. If you beg and whine to get back together, that's repulsive, needy and weak and it confirms that they made the right decision. If you get hateful and spiteful, it also lets them know that they did the right thing. Seeking out family/friends is going behind her back and not accepting her explanation for what happened, and causes resentment and also lets them know that they did the right thing by cutting you loose. Besides, who knows how she portrayed the breakup to her family/friends. For all I know she could have made me out to be the bad guy. So they might not have had an honest perspective to offer me. I know that one day she will look back and feel some regret over tossing out the greatest guy she ever had up to that point in her life. Doesn't mean she'll reach out to me and want to get back together or anything, but she did not make this easy at all for me.
By being dignified and walking away like a man, it will not make things easy for her when she has to live with her decision. I have to deal with the hurt and loss and then once I've processed that, I can look back and have no regrets, guilt or what ifs. She has to live with her decision. Believe me I wanted to lash out and give it right back for how she hurt me. But the worst thing I could do to her is not relieve her guilt.
you're a better man than me. I would have either trashed her bike or thrown it out.
I wasn't implying that it would be to try to get her back or some venue to plead your case.
More so to understand her thought process. Of course you aren't going to get a completely honest view, but usually there are some kernels of truth woven into the convo. Completely depends on the parties involved, though, and just how close you are/were to those people.
I completely understand your thought process and don't know if I'd have done anything different.
You handled the aftermath extremely well.
And you're right to not give her a chance to unload her guilt if and when it comes. It's the ultimate you.
Well, I sought out a LOT of opinions about this, and the basic theme that emerged is that she has abandonment/intimacy/commitment/daddy issues. She basically thinks that any man in her life will leave her, and so leaving relationships first is a coping mechanism to avoid the hurt that will come when the man eventually tosses her aside, as she believes is destined to happen. And when she said that she doesn't feel like that person on the inside when I give her compliments and she can't love me like I want and need to be loved, she basically is saying that she doesn't feel worthy or deserving of the love that I give her, and doesn't feel like she can give it back. When she feels herself getting too close to a person, the intimacy of it all freaks her out and so she bails. Her thought process is basically "I'm afraid to open up and show Findog who I really am if we get married, because I'm afraid I'll get hurt and he won't like what he finds. And then he'll leave me, just like all the other men in my life have." Hard for people such as ourselves who are normal and well-adjusted to understand, but that's how people like her think. What's ironic is that she is so afraid of being abandoned, and she did exactly that to the one guy who loved her and appreciated her for who she was, and had absolutely no intention of ever abandoning her. It's really sad.
Besides, I have come to learn that *understanding* the psyche and thought process of an emotionally damaged person is a waste of time. If she used logic and reason, we would still be together.
She met somebody else that she wanted more. I've seen it a million times. She's just a chick being a chick.
most of the time its because the chick is going through some weird estrogen-fueled depression. she doesnt know why she's feeling that way, so she thinks it must be you. so long and thanks for all the fish.
I think that played a part. There was obviously something internal going on in her head towards the end. What's weird is that whenever I would meet friends/family/coworkers, they would all say the same thing: "Christen just seems so much happier these days," "Wow, you guys have been together so much longer than all of her other boyfriends," "I've seen some of the losers she's dated in the past and she's so lucky to have you." etc.
theyre always really happy until the first anniversary hits. then they persuade themselves (or their friends persuade them) that they really arent looking for something longterm.
"are we really meant to be together?" "will i ever be able to see other people again?" "can i picture him at all the family events?" "i wont be young much longer"
etc etc. it's not your fault. it's some ed up biological response.
Yep. Nothing much can be done about that except to find the new one. That's the best advice I've gotten: time and the new one is what will eventually heal you.
Findog it sucks but I can relate to you. I had my heart broken badly almost a year ago (Feb 9th to be exact). My fiance left me in a cold-hearted way. She cheated on me with another guy and ended up getting married to him this past October. She even sent me an invitation to the wedding. We were engaged for 10 months. I felt anger, rage, depressed,, etc etc.
It gets better. You just have to have faith and keep at it each day. Slowly let it go each day. Do things you enjoy and don't push your family or friends away. There is no time table for when you'll be fully over it. It varies for each person. I am still not over it, but I am in much better shape than I was months ago.
Huh? I'm 53 dude.you're always condoning whorish behavior just because no woman ever loved you enough to stick by your side..doesn't make it right or the norm
55 year old "bachelor"
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