Goddess at Big Four

[Franklin]

Chapter Thirteen

“Ah… should we turn right at this corner? Yes, probably…” I turned the wheel right, while speaking to myself. I had to say something to break the silence. I wanted to say something to make her forget about the stupid stuff I had just said, but she’d probably never forget about it… why am I always such an asshole? Why do I always say or do something that hurts the ones who love me?

“It’s a big lake over there.” I continued.

“A lake?” finally she said something meaningful. Maybe I was just a bit too sensitive, maybe she didn’t mind at all… I hoped so.

“Yes, a real big lake, kinda like a reservoir… not like those so-called lakes on our campus which are in fact tiny ponds.” I continued to drive for a few minutes then the college appeared in front of us. “Look at the blue school bus out there…”

“Yes… it appears that we aren’t too late.” She said with a light smile.

She already got over it, I thought. Thank God…

I drove into the campus. It was the first time for both of us to go there, and I happened to find that the campus was arranged in a similar style as my alma-mater. “It looks kinda like my alma-mater, I think.”

“I don’t quite remember how your alma-mater looks, though I’ve walked over there a lot of times…” she said.

She often walked to my alma-mater… yes, it was just next door to the current college we went to, but there still had to be a reason why she went to my alma-mater so often… yet still, I didn’t say anything back. I was too dumb again to recognize the hint, damn me.

We drove all the way to the building where the interview was scheduled to be held. I parked the car carefully then we walked towards the building together, always with two or three steps of distance between us though.

She climbed the stairs first… in fact, I intentionally fell one or two steps behind her, so I could gaze at her exquisite body freely without making her feel any discomfort.

We reached the top floor, and in the first office just opposite the stairway she saw a friend of hers – Lily, who was also going there for the interview, supposedly. They greeted each other, and it always puzzled me why girls had to stand so close when greeting each other.

“Lily, hi… you’re also here for the interview? We could’ve come together if I knew you were also coming.” Phoebe said.

“Yes, the teachers are gone for a meeting now, they asked us to wait here.” Lily said.

I followed Phoebe into the office, and of course Phoebe had to introduce me and Lily to each other. “This is my classmate, Frank… and this is my classmate from undergraduate years, Lily.”

We both said “nice to meet you” or something, but Phoebe was the only one I’d really feel nice or glad to meet, to be honest.

Lily asked us to each take a seat, and of course, they’d sit together, and there weren’t many empty chairs so I had to take a seat in the corner of the room. As I walked past them, I vaguely heard Phoebe saying something like “what shall I do?”

Why was she saying this? She was facing a dilemma, what was it? She said that in a very low voice, much like whisper, apparently she didn’t want me to hear it. I supposed, probably, it had something to do with me.

There were two possibilities, I thought. One, she disliked me and she got quite annoyed by my stalking moves, she wanted to get rid of it all but didn’t want to hurt me, so she was asking her friend for some advice; Two, she liked me but I was too shy to actually make a move – not such stalking moves but some real moves like asking her out for dinner or something, without no school pretexts or , so she was hesitating about whether to make the move herself. It would’ve been very bold of a girl to make such a move - usually it is what the guy should do, but I’m such a goddamn wimp…

But, how could Lily know it all? It seemed like, not just our classmates, but most, if not all the students in our school had already known it. Finally I got the feeling of being an A-lister, but… I had disappointed her time and time again, and if someday I disappointed to the point where she decided to give up on me, what a goddamn fool would I look like, and how could I survive all the laughter and ridicule from our classmates?

I could never blame Phoebe, the Lunar Goddess, for sure. Even if she had done something wrong, it was still all my fault.

[Franklin]

Chapter Thirteen

“Ah… should we turn right at this corner? Yes, probably…” I turned the wheel right, while speaking to myself. I had to say something to break the silence. I wanted to say something to make her forget about the stupid stuff I had just said, but she’d probably never forget about it… why am I always such an asshole? Why do I always say or do something that hurts the ones who love me?

“It’s a big lake over there.” I continued.

“A lake?” finally she said something meaningful. Maybe I was just a bit too sensitive, maybe she didn’t mind at all… I hoped so.

“Yes, a real big lake, kinda like a reservoir… not like those so-called lakes on our campus which are in fact tiny ponds.” I continued to drive for a few minutes then the college appeared in front of us. “Look at the blue school bus out there…”

“Yes… it appears that we aren’t too late.” She said with a light smile.

She already got over it, I thought. Thank God…

I drove into the campus. It was the first time for both of us to go there, and I happened to find that the campus was arranged in a similar style as my alma-mater. “It looks kinda like my alma-mater, I think.”

“I don’t quite remember how your alma-mater looks, though I’ve walked over there a lot of times…” she said.

She often walked to my alma-mater… yes, it was just next door to the current college we went to, but there still had to be a reason why she went to my alma-mater so often… yet still, I didn’t say anything back. I was too dumb again to recognize the hint, damn me.

We drove all the way to the building where the interview was scheduled to be held. I parked the car carefully then we walked towards the building together, always with two or three steps of distance between us though.

She climbed the stairs first… in fact, I intentionally fell one or two steps behind her, so I could gaze at her exquisite body freely without making her feel any discomfort.

We reached the top floor, and in the first office just opposite the stairway she saw a friend of hers – Lily, who was also going there for the interview, supposedly. They greeted each other, and it always puzzled me why girls had to stand so close when greeting each other.

“Lily, hi… you’re also here for the interview? We could’ve come together if I knew you were also coming.” Phoebe said.

“Yes, the teachers are gone for a meeting now, they asked us to wait here.” Lily said.

I followed Phoebe into the office, and of course Phoebe had to introduce me and Lily to each other. “This is my classmate, Frank… and this is my classmate from undergraduate years, Lily.”

We both said “nice to meet you” or something, but Phoebe was the only one I’d really feel nice or glad to meet, to be honest.

Lily asked us to each take a seat, and of course, they’d sit together, and there weren’t many empty chairs so I had to take a seat in the corner of the room. As I walked past them, I vaguely heard Phoebe saying something like “what shall I do?”

Why was she saying this? She was facing a dilemma, what was it? She said that in a very low voice, much like whisper, apparently she didn’t want me to hear it. I supposed, probably, it had something to do with me.

There were two possibilities, I thought. One, she disliked me and she got quite annoyed by my stalking moves, she wanted to get rid of it all but didn’t want to hurt me, so she was asking her friend for some advice; Two, she liked me but I was too shy to actually make a move – not such stalking moves but some real moves like asking her out for dinner or something, without no school pretexts or , so she was hesitating about whether to make the move herself. It would’ve been very bold of a girl to make such a move - usually it is what the guy should do, but I’m such a goddamn wimp…

But, how could Lily know it all? It seemed like, not just our classmates, but most, if not all the students in our school had already known it. Finally I got the feeling of being an A-lister, but… I had disappointed her time and time again, and if someday I disappointed to the point where she decided to give up on me, what a goddamn fool would I look like, and how could I survive all the laughter and ridicule from our classmates?

I could never blame Phoebe, the Lunar Goddess, for sure. Even if she had done something wrong, it was still all my fault.

[Franklin]

Chapter Fourteen

So I sat in the corner of the office, brought a book out of my schoolbag and started to pretend to read it. I didn’t hear anymore of their talk, but they were talking all the time, in a low voice so it wouldn’t bother me or the other two attendees who were also left waiting in this office. And, I guessed Phoebe and Lily were still talking about me because I saw them looking towards my side every now and then… maybe I was just being narcissistic and oversensitive.

We waited there for about 15 minutes in total. Then, a teacher came and led us to a large classroom where we’d continue to wait for our turns of interviews. The teacher was in his late 60s, hale and affable. He briefly introduced the job to us, about the pay and welfare and other stuffs… but I couldn’t care less about how the job really was. I’d only want the job offer in case she liked it and wanted to work there. It seemed like, making her happy had become my top priority somehow, some when. So I kept peeping to her side, and I was sure the teacher also noticed it, but I didn’t care.

She had told me she had classes to teach in the afternoon that day, and that was exactly why I hated that ins ute, as I said above. I wished she had a full free day so after the interview was done I’d be able to invite her to a dinner or something, and later even have a walk somewhere, preferably some romantic place like a tranquil park or riverbank… but they were all pipedreams because of the damn classes in the afternoon. But why couldn’t she ask for a day off? I didn’t ask her to do so… actually I couldn’t ask her or even request her to do anything. She was the goddess and I’d have to do whatever I can in support of her, whatever her choice was.

Therefore, I kept checking my wrist watch, and I was afraid that we couldn’t get back in time. I just hoped could be done as soon as it could, best before 11am so we’d have the time for a quick lunch. But it turned out just the opposite… I became increasingly worried as several more interviewees were arriving gradually, and there were a total of 12 something interviewees. I bet it wouldn’t be done by noontime, and I was right. The interview began around 8:30, and it was about 10:30 now, when I was just done with my interview, but the whole wasn’t half done yet. And Lily and Phoebe were still waiting for their turns, Phoebe next to Lily.

Maybe the teachers also noticed the time issue, so they decided to speed up the process a bit. They made some changes to their plan, like… they began to call up two interviewees at a time instead of one, so one could stand by waiting while the other was being interviewed, and the one who had just been interviewed could go back to the classroom right away and call up another one, and so on.

Lily was called up first - the three of us were sitting in the same row, Lily between Phoebe and me – so I could see Phoebe in full length with Lily the obstacle gone. She looked so beautiful that day, damn me… I hadn’t ever noticed how beautiful she was in the morning sunshine. She was sitting right beside me in the car, but I could only have quick glances at her while driving the damn car, but now I could see and appreciate her beauty without any distractions… her thick long hair draped down her shoulders; her grey coat extending all the way down to her hips, covering half of her yellow skirt, which was a perfectly fitting color for her black leggings…

Suddenly I noticed that she was also looking at me… we smiled simultaneously as soon as our eyes met – just like every time we looked at each other face to face, it happened once during the computer class the year before (the first time I talked to her), and once again on our last class of summer semester a few months ago (which was also the last time we saw each other until this day). There might be other times, but I couldn't recall exactly when they were.

I felt so happy in my heart each time it happened, even though it only lasted no more than a few seconds each time.

Just a few minutes later it came her turn… she stood up and walked to the door, but before she walked outside the door she gave me a look, and saw me raising my fist as a sign of encouragement – just as she did when I was on my way to the interview room upstairs, and I saw the goddess smile again…

[Franklin]

Chapter Fifteen

I felt empty-headed after she was gone… what they was I still sitting there for? It seemed like, once the goddess was gone, so was my soul. I felt completely lost… just staring at the empty blackboard, thinking, and finally I thought of something to do when I checked my watch. It was already 11:10 and I estimated it would take me about one hour and a half to get to downtown (I was a slow driver, to be honest). Apparently there wouldn’t be enough time for Phoebe and me to have lunch together, but I couldn’t let Phoebe go to work empty-stomached, of course. So yes, I had to buy some fast food from the canteen so Phoebe would eat it on our way back.

I jogged out of the classroom, and met with Lily at the stairway – she just finished her interview obviously.

“Hi, Frank. Why are you in hurry?” Lily greeted me and asked. I wasn’t very familiar with her, to be honest. I hadn’t even seen her before this day… maybe I had seen her somewhere at school because she was also studying at the college Phoebe and I went to, but there was no way in could I know who she was, or the other way around. But she greeted me in a way as if we had been friends for years, pretty much the “best friend’s boyfriend” way I though.

“Ah… I’m going to the canteen to buy something.” I couldn’t talk to her longer because I knew Phoebe was being interviewed right at the moment and she’d be back soon. So I rushed all the way to the canteen.

There weren’t many choices at the canteen, to be honest. There were some good dishes but none of them seemed right to carry away. The only take-away type of food sold in the canteen, as I figured out, was just some cheap bread with basically no flavor. But at least it was just out of the stove, so it was warm. I wanted to ensure goddess could at least eat something warm before going to work.

I carefully put the food in my schoolbag and sealed up the sipper so people wouldn’t see it (I wasn’t sure if the school allowed any food in the classroom, so maybe I’d better conceal it in order to avoid troubles). Yet still, I couldn’t help but touch the bag – the part where the food was – all the time, to make sure it was still warm.

I climbed up the stairs as fast as if I were an athlete. And thankfully when I was back in the classroom, Phoebe was not in yet, and she would be back just one or two minutes later. As soon as she was back, I approached her seat to ask her if she wanted to go. It was already about 11:20, and I didn’t want her to be late for her work, since she cared so much about it. But what was probably more important was that, I didn’t want to leave the food cold again.

“Maybe… maybe it’s time for us to leave now, I’m afraid. It’d take me about one hour and a half to arrive at your workplace.”

I wasn’t calling her name. I felt nervous as even when I was just thinking of her name, to be honest, let alone speaking it out.

“You’re going to leave?” Lily asked, “Instead of waiting for the results?”

“Yes, I have some classes in the afternoon.”

“But… can’t you ask for a day off?” Lily asked again. Actually that was just what I had wanted to ask, but didn’t dare to.

“No, I have to go to the classes this afternoon.” Goddess said adamantly.

“See…” I shrugged a bit, and said, “She’s just always that responsible for her work…”

They didn’t say anything but both laughed a bit after I said this… suddenly I realized how weird it sounded. It sounded as if I were much closer to Phoebe than Lily was, as if I knew her so well, as if she was already more than just a friend to me… when in fact I hadn’t even seen her for more than four months prior.

[Franklin]

Chapter Sixteen

I had already internally regarded Phoebe as my girlfriend, it seemed like, and the same for her as well probably. And I seemed to care more about the time than she herself did. “So… shall we go, now?” I asked her.

“But… wouldn’t it be a bit too impolite to just get away without notifying the teacher?” She responded. What a kind girl she was! “Just wait a bit longer, OK?” she asked me.

Of course I had to say yes, she was my goddess and I had to accept whatever request she made. “OK…” I said.

“Wait for another half hour?” she said, in a rather naughty tone.


I couldn't say anything then. It’d be very hard for me to drive back to downtown in just one hour, and that would be exactly the time left if we waited for another half hour, knowing that her classes was to start at 1 pm. But I couldn’t resist her either, because she was my goddess. So I really didn’t know what else to do, but respond with a wan smile and mutely accept it.

“But, would it be all right if you arrive there late?” I asked her.

“It doesn’t matter. It’d be fine as long as I go there today.” She said.

It kinda puzzled me, to be honest. I thought the classes were very important to her so she couldn’t miss them, couldn’t even ask for half a day off. But just now she said she wouldn’t mind being late, which made me doubt if the classes were really so important. Not until this moment did I somehow suspect that, it could be her test to me. She wanted to know which I cared more about, the job or, the goddess.

It was an easy choice for me, of course. I didn’t really give a damn about this job in the first place, and the only reason why I was there was that she was also there.

I didn’t feel that worried then, because now I knew that she was just testing me. Neither the job nor the afternoon classes really mattered to her, not nearly as much as I did… how terrible would’ve it been if I said something like “hey you can take the bus and go back downtown while I’ll be staying here with Lily waiting for the result.” Of course I would’ve never said that.

So I picked up the book and resume my pretence of reading it. There were another two interviewees sitting right in front of me, one was a girl and the other a guy. The girl looked so tiny like someone from junior mid school if you don’t look at her face, while the guy was like an adult in his 40s because his hair seemed was pretty diluted, just as dense as his sissy beard, I thought. At first they sat with an empty seat between them, but now I found the guy had moved one seat right to sit right next to the girl, and I continued to see something else… The young do extended his hand to the girl’s face, touching her cheek affectionately. They were - what would you call it - lovers, I supposed. Damn it… It was in the classroom, yes they were adults… we were all adults but still it kinda obtruded, to be honest. I didn’t want to see it anymore because it would otherwise pollute my eyes. So I quickly turned my eyes to the other side…

And found that Phoebe and Lily noticed my quick move, and they laughed. Yeah, they knew I had been a lifelong celibate, and I had never dated any girl so they were laughing at me, but it didn’t seem unfriendly at all. Maybe they just found it funny – someone in his mid 20s had never even grasped a young girl’s hand. Sometimes I even felt the society was so screwed up, for example, I always aspired to being a good student but more often than not people – even including my parents – considered me a fool, or even a . Maybe I was a bit too old-school and it was my problem rather than the society’s, but I just didn’t want to become part of that trend, if the trend included such shameless behaviors like kissing or fondling a girl right in the classroom, before those wide open eyes of other people’s. I also had the one I loved but I just didn’t see the need to show it off everywhere, to tell you the truth.

So I had no other direction to look to, but upwards… I looked at the ceiling, thinking… maybe it wasn’t really the pride or anything that made me despise the couple in front of me. I didn’t despise them at all, even, but only envied them. How I wished I could do the same with goddess. I’d dreamed it countless times, hugging her in my arms firmly, rubbing my nose against her fleshy cheeks and dropping kisses all over her face. I could’ve made another pair of lovers inside the classroom, but I didn’t because I was such a big wimp.

[Franklin]

Chapter Seventeen

So we waited another thirty minutes or something, and it was already ten to twelve then. Lily went to the washroom so once again, I could see the goddess straight away. I turned my eyes to her side as soon as Lily was gone, and found that, she was also looking at me, tacitly. She opened her mouth but didn’t make any sound. She knew I could read her lips, which I’d always dreamed to kiss. With every exaggerated movement of her lips, she seemed to be saying to me, “Shall we go?”

I stood up instantly, took my bag and walked to her side. “Yes, let’s go.” I said.

“Wait until Lily comes back. She just went to the washroom and she’ll be back soon.”

Lily was back sooner than I expected, maybe just half a minute later.

“So you really decided to go?” Lily spoke to us. The teacher asked us to stay right here, maybe there was another round of interview in the afternoon. So if we went away right now it would be equal to forfeiting this job opportunity, no one would sign the paperwork for us or whatsoever, to say the least,. But the fact was, neither of was really gave a damn about the job, not at all.

“Frank, maybe you can stay here with her. I can take a bus and…” Phoebe said, before I interrupted her…

“No. We came here together so we’ve got to go back together too…”

So Phoebe and I went away together, waving goodbye to Lily.

We sat in the car but I didn’t start the engine right away. I unpacked my bag and brought out the food I had just bought from the canteen… thank God, it was still warm.

She looked thrilled… it wasn't like the food was worth much, but at least she was convinced that I cared about her. She didn’t feel like eating anything. She told me she wasn’t hungry, maybe she really wasn’t hungry but I just couldn’t accept the idea of her going to work without eating anything for lunch. I requested, or even begged her to eat something, finally she relented. She didn't eat much but she ate something, at least.

She talked so much on our way back and I could hardly stop her. I liked to listen to her sweet voice for sure, I couldn’t listen enough to it but she had classes to teach in the afternoon, I didn’t want her to exert her throat too much. I didn’t just want to hear that voice for one hour… I wanted to hear it everyday for the rest of my life. I was treating my affections pretty much the same way… I didn’t want the excitement to fade away too soon… I wanted to preserve it for a whole time instead of using it up abusively in a few years like most young people did.

She talked about the jobs she had interviewed for, and how some other classmates had been. I didn’t really care about anyone else, but I was still so fascinated listening to her talk. You could never get bored with Phoebe beside you, I can guarantee it.

I wanted to drive slower. I even wished the trip could last forever… but on the other hand, I had to drive as fast as I could because she would be late for work otherwise. Thankfully, when we arrived at her workplace it was still only 12:50. Thank God, we arrived there in time and safely, thank God my goddess wasn’t late.

She opened the door, but didn’t step our right away… she looked at me and said, in a rather courteous manner, “Thank you so much today…”

I didn’t look at her, for some reason, I didn’t dare to maybe. I just responded, looking down at the steering wheel, in a low and tentative voice, “It’s my honor to do something for you…”

She didn’t say anything back, but just giggled.

I had wanted to say that to her for long, but why did I only say half the sentence? Why didn’t I just man up and say those three words to her straight away? I was still a wimp.

“Be careful driving, Frank.” She waved me goodbye, shut the door closed then walked towards the building.

I couldn’t stand staying there anymore… I feared I would rush out of the car and catch up with her, hugging her from behind and beginning to kiss her feverishly like mad. So I just drove away…

[Franklin]

Chapter Eighteen

On my way back home I received a text message. I thought it was from the teacher who invited me to the interview, or Lily, a message about the job interview… but it wasn’t. It was from Phoebe, my Lunar Goddess, and it didn’t have anything to do with the job interview…

“Thank you so much today. Be careful driving on the way, and send me a reply when you’re home.”

I felt so elated reading this message, to be honest. I had never received such messages from anyone but my mom before. She cared about me, and I was nearly moved to tears at the moment. I wished to drive back and to do what I should do, but I had promised my mom I’d be home in the afternoon. ‘There will be chances to see her again…’ I thought to myself, sort of a consolation.

I arrived home about half an hour later. I parked the car but didn’t get out instantly. I stared at the empty seat beside me, the seat Phoebe was still sitting on just half an hour ago… I tried to look for some hair on the back of the seat but couldn’t find anything. I even wished she had left her handbag or laptop in the car so I would then have a reason to meet her again, but she left nothing behind in the car. She only left a lot, in my memory.

I didn’t know if I was already lovesick, I probably was. I wanted to touch whatever she had touched, read anything she had read. For example, she told me that she planned to write a literature analysis as her scholar thesis, about Runaway – a short novel by Nobel Prize winner Alice Munro. I had read that novel a couple of times since she told me about it, to tell you the truth, maybe even more than she herself had read it. The protagonist of that novel was named Clark, and his wife was Carla. I didn’t know why she chose this novel, maybe it was a message she wanted to send me… she wanted to run away from the stalker that I was, say, she probably didn’t like me at all. But she could just say it to me straight, if that was the case. I’d still love her anyway and I’d always believed that, you don’t have to “have” someone to love him or her. I would never treat my girl in such a possessive manner like Clark did with Carla.

I sent her a message reply as soon as I arrived home, even before taking off my coat. “I’m already home now, thank you.”

I didn’t do anything, couldn’t do anything but go all the way back to my bedroom, lying down there in bed looking out of the window soullessly… I wanted to fall asleep so I would probably dream what had just happened in the moon, but couldn’t. I felt I could still see her lovely face, her supple lips, her fleshy cheeks and the freckles on her nose… it might be illusion I knew, but I still wished they were real, even enjoyed it.

So I was lying there all along, until I heard a message notification sound from my phone at about three and a half PM. It was from Lunar Goddess? That was my first reaction, and I was right. In the message she said that she had received a message from Lily, her friend, who told her about the interview results in the message. It turned out that, there was indeed a second round of interview, and all of us were qualified for it. So what should I do? Should I rush the back to the college to attend the interview and later sign the paperwork? no. Instead, I responded with a message carrying these words, “I won’t go there anyway since you won’t. There’re many other chances ahead of us. Thanks though.”

I really felt like a man after sending this message to her, to be honest.

[Franklin]

Chapter Nineteen

I thought I’d have to wait another four months or even longer before I could see the goddess again, but it turned out that I’d see her again just nine days later.

There was a so-called group recruitment meeting on Friday the next week, which was specifically arranged for students of our major. Of course I planned to go there, it wasn’t that I wanted to look for a job or anything, but that I thought the Lunar Goddess would be there.

I went there as early as I could. I planned to stay in the hall throughout the process so I wouldn’t miss out on her. I was just ambling around inside the hall, not giving a damn about the posters and brands. The meeting started at 2:30 pm and it was already past 3 pm now, but still Phoebe hadn’t appeared yet… I saw quite a few other classmates though, like Fernando, Rhea, and that girl named Handy. I rarely talked with her, to be honest, because I thought she was a bit pretentious and sophisticated, typical type of girl I always disliked. But when she approached me to talk to me, I wouldn’t resist it either. We talked about job opportunities and stuffs alike, and suddenly, she diverted our topic to Phoebe, for some reason. Obviously she also knew about my crush on goddess, and she knew I only cared about the goddess.

“Phoebe is definitely the happiest of us all…” She said.

“Why?” I asked, confused as . I knew there was a reason she mentioned Phoebe. There might be some updates about Phoebe she knew that I wanted to know, I thought. Or maybe she was just trying to make fun of me, or whatever it was.

“She signed with the P Company!” She responded.

P Company was one of the biggest four accounting firms in the world. She told me about it like a month ago, I could remember. She told me that she received her first invitation of interview, from the P Company. I thought she was determined to work at college so I didn’t pay much attention to the jobs outside the education area back then, to be honest. I wanted to apply for that firm too as soon as she told me that, but it was already past the deadline. She probably should’ve told me about it beforehand, but why? She wasn’t my girlfriend or anything back then, right? She still wasn't, up to this day.

“She… she’s always the best, no surprise…” I said, but I did feel very surprised.

I knew she wouldn’t come. I didn’t say anything anymore but I really wanted to thank Handy for giving me this info, so I wouldn’t waste anymore time waiting for someone who wouldn’t come. She should’ve told me about it, but again, who the was I to make such a demand?

I rode my damn bike towards the southeast gate of our campus. I was so dejected I didn’t even look at the street in front of me. She had found a job already, such a badass one, while I was still hunting for jobs like a damn dog. What a loser I was!

“Hi Frank, you came to school today?” Some familiar voice called my name.

Who was it? Phoebe? I must be under illusions, again, I thought. But when I looked up, I realized that it wasn’t illusion, it was real, dreaming-like though. I saw Phoebe, who was dressed in formal suit. I had never seen her dressed that way, to be honest. She looked so serene in the suit, only problem was… the weather was already rather cold in late November, and she didn't seem to wear anything on her legs but some thin silk stockings. She must feel very cold right now, she was even chilling, and even her voice was slightly trembling…

“Ah… yes.” I wanted to say something intimate, but dropped that idea when I saw that another girl was walking beside her. “I heard that you signed with P Company, is it true?” I shouldn’t have asked. Handy wouldn’t have lied to me, I mean, there’d be no reason for her to tell such a lie. Yet I still asked… just to confirm it, to get a confirmation from Phoebe herself.

“Yes, I just sent the paperwork there…” She responded.

“Congrats, then…” I really didn’t know what else to say, “So, I got to go home now.”

“Take your way, bye…” she said and waved me goodbye. I rode past her but I didn’t go right away… I looked back and saw her whispering to the girl next to her, pretty much the same way she whispered to Lily nine days ago.

And it turned out to be the last time I saw her. I still haven’t seen her again yet up to this day when I’m writing these words here, to be honest.

I really had no idea what the she whispered. Maybe she described me as a stalker, or maybe she still liked me and was asking for advice. But, somehow I felt that, she was changed. She was no longer the same innocent girl that I first met about a year ago. She was the goddess and I was just a lame ass student. Her ceiling was in the sky and I didn’t want to en ber her career. I didn’t want to be a male version of dream killer to her… The past was just like a dream, I felt, and now it seemed the right time to wake up from it.

The first thing I did as soon as I was home was starting my laptop and searching all the info about P Company online. I knew it was a badass accounting firm, and the pay was incredibly high. I felt I had already lost her… but what if I had acted more like a man at that college the week before? I would’ve already wrapped her up, but now I was on the brink of losing her, even if my hope wasn’t completely dead yet.

I shouldn’t feel that way, of course. I should wish her success, and all the blessings I could think of. “You don’t need to have her to love her…” I kept telling myself that, but could still hardly quash the depression and concern.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty

Not everything I saw online about P Company was positive, of course. Like, I saw some news reports about employees there dying from excessive fatigue. And it wasn’t really that easy to get promoted there, like you had to pass a certain number of subjects of CPA exams to get promoted to certain positions.

All of a sudden, I felt that Phoebe wasn’t really that lucky to sign with P Company, it was probably just a trap, especially for someone like Phoebe who didn’t know about accounting, who hadn’t learned about it before. She was smart, yes, but she wasn’t too good at math. Her talents were mostly in literature, I thought. I really didn’t fancy her chances to succeed as an account, to be honest.

So, I began to worry about her, and the more I learned about P Company the bigger such worry grew.

I didn’t sleep well that night… I didn’t sleep at all that night, to be exact, and it was the second sleepless night I had because of her. I felt sleepy as all the way through, but I just couldn’t fall asleep, for some odd reason.

I woke up in the morning the next day. Or to be more accurate, I got off the bed in the morning, because I stayed awake the whole night. The weather was foggy as outside, I couldn’t even see the buildings right on the other end of the same street, and my mood was pretty much the same.

I had a short nap around noon time… thank God I fell asleep somehow. I would’ve otherwise died, to be honest. It wouldn’t matter to have several sleepless nights, like my friend Reck who often stayed up the whole night. He was from New York where there was no night, so it was understandable. But it’d be a whole different story when you had some exams to take the very next day, on Sunday, the civil service exams.

Phoebe once told me that she’d like to get a government job, as an alternative to college teaching jobs, therefore such jobs also became my targets. I took some exercises the weeks before, and I felt fully prepared, but not after the sleepless night of course.

I felt much better after the short nap, so I decided to contact Phoebe online asking her if she was still going for the civil service exams. She said she would, but she wouldn’t let me drive her there, and in the end she encouraged me. She wanted me to stay focused on my own exams. I didn’t want to disappoint her… I’d just do my best despite the result – the at ude she had instilled in me.

I slept as well as a baby Saturday night. I felt good as on Sunday, when the exams were scheduled. I did pretty gracefully in the exams… at least I felt I did, despite the results.

The very next day, on Sunday, I went to school again for a job interview. No, not any job offered by our school, but a researching ins ute nearby. I only went to school first to get something printed, like my resume and some photos etc…

But I didn’t go for the interview right away either. I rode to the community where she lived, ambling around the building where she was supposed to reside… I could feel that she was right in there, or at least I pretended so. I just wanted to get the feeling that, she was close to me, again, just maybe ten or twenty yards away, regardless of the many layers of concrete and steel between us.

The interview progressed gracefully, to my surprise. I hadn’t experienced any job interview that went so smoothly, I believe it was Phoebe that gave me the courage, the strength as well as the good luck. I shook hands strenuously with the HR manager, and it seemed that he was very satisfied with me. But I told him I’d rather wait for the results of the civil service exams before making the decision to sign any paperwork. He understood me and he sent me best wishes… it was the first time I ever met with him but I felt as if we had been good friends for years. I hadn’t met with anyone who understood and appreciated me so much since high school time, to be honest. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the civil service exams… maybe I should’ve signed with that ins ute right away so I would catch up with Phoebe. A contract would’ve probably given me some more courage, to push me through the threshold to finally make the move, before she went back to her hometown…

[Franklin]

- to be continued


Now the story has already proceeded to December. I want to put it on hold for a while until I attain some further progress in the real life. I don't really have much to write about at the moment, tbh, and I still need to learn more about Big Four as well as accounting before I can write any more solid stuff. I'll try to contact her again online maybe tomorrow or the day after. I know most of my friends around this place (like m>s, Reck, sook and many others) have been supporting me all along, and i want to thank you all here.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-One

I almost already got an oral offer from that research ins ute, but I still felt hardly any delight. I mean, even if I could get employed there, I’d probably never make even nearly the same figure Phoebe was expected to make working at P Company. If she should attain a manager position at P Company and start to make five figures a month, would she look down upon me? Or in other words, would I even be relevant to her life then?

It made me feel guilty to think that way… I knew I had to wish her success, but from my own interest I’d rather wish against it, for the fear of losing her. Or to make it correct, for the fear of losing the chance to pursue her, since you couldn’t lose anything when you didn’t even have it in the first place. She was far more brilliant a student than I was and she was leaving me even farther behind now. Maybe I should just disappear from her life already…

But still, I couldn’t abstain from the interest of searching about P Company on line… I craved to know more about the company she was going to work at. The more I learned about the P Company, however, the more I felt that the job was probably not as good as its name suggested. The job itself was boring as , not to say the extensive workload and meager pay. Most employees there have to stare at computer screens more than ten hours a day… I couldn’t even imagine how much harm it would’ve done to goddess’s watery eyes. It killed me to think what goddess was going to endure working there, to be honest.

I’d wish her the best, for sure. I would never let myself be an obstacle on her way to the dreamland, but there was no guarantee of success… I wanted to be someone that she could fall back upon in case she didn’t succeed. It reminded me of the lyrics of an old song - “if you’re enjoying happiness, please forget me… if you’re suffering unhappiness, please tell me…”

I really wanted to cry every time I saw a negative report about P Company… the heavy workload, lack of humanity, and the disappearances of those young lives who were previously employed at P Company… I felt as if she was going to a war zone but there wasn’t anything I could do to help her. I wished I had transferred to accounting major in my sop re year, as my friend Brian suggested, so I would be able to at least help her a bit. But how the could I know I’d fall in love for a girl who would get employed at one of the world’s biggest four accounting firms?

Was it too late for me to start learning accounting though? Phoebe hadn’t learned that either, so why couldn’t I? If she could get a job at P Company, why couldn’t I do the same? I learned online that P Company, as well as the other three, would have another round of recruitment in spring, so my chance was still sort of alive. I mean, even if there was only a slim chance I’d still devote 100% of my efforts to it, though I had little interest in accounting. I felt inspired for the moment, and wrote such thoughts right into my poem of the week…

The Lunar Goddess - wish I could fly
...
I never think she'll ever let me down
And now she is set to stay in town
But somehow I did not feel no delight
I'm worried she is gonna fly so high
...
If she can do it, I'll also do it
There I'll always be, wherever she is
...
I wish I could fly
I wish to hug her every night
I will travel with her through the day
Because I don't wanna get away
...
I wish I could score
I'll love the goddess no matter rich or poor
I wish I could fly, I wish I could fly
I wish I could fly
...
At times I felt I was about to melt down
But her encouragement kept me strong
She is the goddess in whom I believe
The biggest treasure in the world for me
...
If she can do it, I'll also do it
I'll just do it, though I don't really like it
...
I think I can't cry
I think I ought to be man-like
I'll act it out which I've never had
No matter the result good or bad
...
I won't feel any sore
I know it's just a life's learning course
So I've never lied, and I'll never lie
Love her till I die

The pride from childhood surged back to me… I was a badass student in high school and our high school was one of the best here. I really felt proud of it, to be honest. Although I failed to convert it into any career success, I still had the superb intelligence left in me. I believed I was still smart enough to learn anything.

Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to become clear to me, everything… Phoebe knew she could get that offer from P Company even before we went to interview for that college job. And it was also for this reason that she turned down other better jobs, job offers from D.C. and some other cities. She was fully determined to work at P Company, even though she knew the work there wasn’t easy, even though she had better options outside our town which she turned down. But why… why was she so determined to work at P Company?

She wanted to stay here, to stay with me, knowing that I was such a homesick boy who would probably never leave my hometown? But there were other jobs in our town which were much easier, and which were just as profitable as the one at P Company. So why did P Company become her exact choice?

I seemed to have an answer now… because the building where P Company was based was just opposite that high school I mentioned above – my alma mater. She wanted to work there so whenever she looked out of the window she could see my high school alma-mater. She loved me so she loved my alma-mater as well, just like why she visited my college alma-mater so often…

If that was the case, then I was a true class-one asshole. I really wanted to kill myself for still having doubt about her… All the signs were indicating that she loved me, yet I still had doubts if she really liked me? What an asshole must I have been to doubt the genuine love of such an innocent lovely girl?

It wasn’t really doubt, maybe. I knew she probably loved me, and I knew I should’ve acted it out just like a man should do, but my wimpy self always took the best of me whenever I was thinking about making this “move”. It was more of cowardice than doubt, I thought, I was just a wimpy pussy as I’d always been.

But I couldn’t continue to live this way, if she really liked me. I wouldn’t mind being embarrassed and jeered at, or whatever there might be. There was nothing in the world that would scare me more than the possibility of losing her, or disappointing her. I didn’t want to put it off until next year. So finally, I decided to make the move in the third week of December…

[sook]

Rogue...too much bro. Too much.

[Franklin]

Rogue...too much bro. Too much.

Agree, bro. She's probably already decided to move on, just like our m>s once said. I just had a short chat with her online and she seemed very reluctant to talk with me. Maybe it's just the nature of Cancer girls to treat their loved ones cold, I don't know.

Anyway, girls don't love beta males. I've already shown her how much I love her and like you said, it's already enough. I've gotta be an alpha again and be a badass so she'd come back and pursue me again just like what happened last June and July, tbh.

[sook]

Agree, bro. She's probably already decided to move on, just like our m>s once said. I just had a short chat with her online and she seemed very reluctant to talk with me. Maybe it's just the nature of Cancer girls to treat their loved ones cold, I don't know.

Anyway, girls don't love beta males. I've already shown her how much I love her and like you said, it's already enough. I've gotta be an alpha again and be a badass so she'd come back and pursue me again just like what happened last June and July, tbh.

You don't have to be an alpha, but show her you care and that you could grab her in public and show your affection for her. Girls want that. Underneath whatever beauty, superficial tendencies, ego they have...they are insecure and want a man that they can to and tell them that they're pretty etc..

Ask her if she's free and if she says "Yes", then hop right in and make the plan. Females can be indecisive and want to be on a set path sometimes. Spring for some nosebleeds at a mavs game and show off all the knowledge you've ac ulated over the years. Make her laugh with the edgy jokes you've read on here or somewhere (stay away from the racist ones though tbh ), then hold her hand and make some up if you have to, like , "I've been to countless games before, but this has to be one of the best ones." Don't say why, let her guess. Make eye contact when you want and hold it (not to a creepy level). Introduce her to your friends and express your willingness to meet hers (they like to travel in packs and win the approval of their herd). Believe it or not, all the basic stuff you would think would work...probably will. The smarter/intelligent the girl is, the more likely this traditional approach will work. And even in the rare chance it doesn't, she'll think you're "super sweet" for what you've done and you'll probably have to go with that niche/image and build on it some more. Just make your move son, don't keep us waiting so long.

[Franklin]

You don't have to be an alpha, but show her you care and that you could grab her in public and show your affection for her. Girls want that. Underneath whatever beauty, superficial tendencies, ego they have...they are insecure and want a man that they can to and tell them that they're pretty etc..

Ask her if she's free and if she says "Yes", then hop right in and make the plan. Females can be indecisive and want to be on a set path sometimes. Spring for some nosebleeds at a mavs game and show off all the knowledge you've ac ulated over the years. Make her laugh with the edgy jokes you've read on here or somewhere (stay away from the racist ones though tbh ), then hold her hand and make some up if you have to, like , "I've been to countless games before, but this has to be one of the best ones." Don't say why, let her guess. Make eye contact when you want and hold it (not to a creepy level). Introduce her to your friends and express your willingness to meet hers (they like to travel in packs and win the approval of their herd). Believe it or not, all the basic stuff you would think would work...probably will. The smarter/intelligent the girl is, the more likely this traditional approach will work. And even in the rare chance it doesn't, she'll think you're "super sweet" for what you've done and you'll probably have to go with that niche/image and build on it some more. Just make your move son, don't keep us waiting so long.

thanks a lot, bro. I'm seriously wishing that someone else had said something like this to me one month ago, when she was still in town. She's still at home, I had a short chat with her just now, and she said that her mom wanted her to stay home a bit longer knowing that this might probably be her last long vacation to spend at home. I miss her but I can stand it, and as soon as she wants to come back I'll "act" immediately, like I will propose to drive to her hometown and come back together with her.

Girls want approval of their herd, and Phoebe (Lunar Goddess) has already got more than enough of it when all our classmates already know that I love her. She probably loves me too, I think, otherwise some classmate of mine (like Rhea) would've warned me of it. But no, they all seemed to applaud it, showing me encouragement. So I think that, at least in the eyes of the group of people we both know, we're already expectant girl/boy friends to each other, tbh. There's already such an atmosphere where either of us, if quitting it, would bear considerable moral accusation, imho. Plus, my cousins also want to see this Miss X. They know I already have an expectant girlfriend and they asked me to show them some of her pics, of course I wont do so without Phoebe's consent. And I'm confident enough that Phoebe will win their approval easily, but I've gotta make it official first, imho.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Strike while the iron is hot”… That was the most important lesson I should’ve learned from my miserable love issue.

So I decided to finally make the move. I sent her a message online on Tuesday night, asking her if she was still in town – she told me she would have a one-week training session to take in D.C. in December. I thought there were only three possibilities – she was already undergoing it in D.C., she would go there next week, or she had already come back from it. Therefore, before asking her out, I had to make sure at first that she was in town, easy logical.

I asked her if she was still in town… she told me that she was already back from D.C., but not in town… she was back home already, she just arrived home that day.

I felt lightheaded at the moment, seriously. It was probably just my fate, I thought, I had been made a fool again by the joint force of fate and Phoebe. What if I had made the decision one day earlier? What if she decided to leave just one day later?

There was a time, I thought, in summer, when she really liked me. But I let it pass away thanks to my chronic procrastination. If I had acted bold in summer, if I had told her straight that I loved her just about a month ago, I would’ve already made it official probably, but now…

It was just a punishment to me, for my procrastination, for my being such a damn pussy through the past half a year.

There was a time when she liked me, even as recent as on November 19th she still liked me, I could feel. But I hesitated, and waited until it all turned cold.

Maybe it was just the nature of those Cancer girls to treat their loved ones cold, I didn’t know. Maybe she thought she had already got me so she didn’t need to show so much care about me. I was born in October, and my zodiac sign was libra, which was probably the worst fit to Cancer. Maybe it was just fate, my crush on Phoebe was fated to turn out forlorn. Should I just accept it or act like a man to fight this fate?

She had bigger ambitions and stronger for ude, while I was just a wimpy beta male who could seemingly never grow up. I really thought about giving it up, seriously… no, I still loved her, and I had to stick to it. I mean, even if the whole thing had to be ended, it must be her to do it – it was her who initiated it in the first place.

But more importantly, I thought she might still need me… she would possibly need me if she didn’t succeed at P Company. She didn’t know about accounting, so it was possible that she would quit that job some time in the future when she found out it wasn’t the right one for her. And, I couldn’t imagine how she would handle such a situation without a loved one supporting her, to be honest. She could treat me like and jilt me, but I would never do it to her. She was my goddess, and a light smile from her would mean even more to me than a Nobel Prize.

So, the next Thursday, after thinking about it quite a few times, I decided to send her an email that contained all the info about P Company I had gathered… Of course, my purpose was to dissuade her from going there to work. It was only December and there were still many job opportunities in front of us.

She contacted me online later that day… she thanked me, but insisted. She said she wanted to go there because, if she didn’t, she would probably regret. Yes, it was one of the world’s four biggest accounting firms, and she must feel proud to get employed there. She said she would get out and look for new jobs if she felt really unfit there someday, and she believed there wouldn’t be any problem getting another good job with some working experience at Big Four. So what else could I say? I promised to give her whatever support I could afford, no matter what her choice was.

And she thanked me again. Even though she just said “thanks”, I could feel there were so many meanings behind this single word, to be honest.

She then asked me to review her thesis proposal, which she would have to hand in before nine am the next day. I’d been assisting our professor on his research program since April so it was supposed that I was already a semi-pro in article writing. I agreed gladly, of course, it was always a pleasure for me to do something for her.

It was already rather late at the moment, well past ten pm. So I told her to go to sleep, and to check her mailbox the next morning… I intended to get done reviewing it, correcting some ambiguities or , no matter how long it’d take. I wanted to make it the best it could be, to be honest.

But she said she’d be waiting online that night… she knew what I thought, and she didn’t want me to stay up too late. God… I was almost moved to tears.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Two

So she was already back home, and we didn’t have no more communication for the rest of this year except for an email I sent her on Christmas Day, with my festival wishes. She responded and thanked me, but her writing was brief and her tone was rather cool…

I talked to her again online on January 10, and no matter how long the message I wrote she’d just respond with few words like “yes, got it”, “thanks”. It seemed like, she already felt reluctant to talk with me, and her tone sounded plain as . I remembered September and October last year we had a lot of chat online and she sounded much more friendly than that, but now… Did she feel annoyed by my procrastination, had she already given up on me possibly?

I experienced a tough period of time through the later half of January. I tried to apply for a staff job at our university. The pay was average but I really liked the type of it, the extra holiday time, for the most part. But… wasn’t I planning to apply a job at PwC? Yes, but I wanted to grab a job at hand now as an insurance, no matter what it was, and so I would have some courage to make the “move” when the new semester began and Phoebe returned.

There were many people applying for those jobs and I made the final round of interview. I was very delighted, to be honest, thinking that making the final round already nearly guaranteed me an offer. I was very optimistic about it, and I really wanted the job which was very important to me. It was not only a job for me, but also a permission to make the “move” for Phoebe. To my chagrin, however, I was snubbed in the final round… I felt upset for nearly a month, not just because I missed another job opportunity but more importantly that I had to further delay the “move”.

But thankfully I could still see some hope during this dark period. Phoebe and I hadn’t talked at all since January 10, but there were still vague communication between us in the most oblique manner… She changed her twitter signatures according to the moods of my poems, mostly encouraging words. I wasn’t sure if she still liked me or not, but she still cared about me, even to the slightest extent.

Maybe it was my problem to always mistake friendliness as affections…

It was Phoebe’s encouragement that helped me through the tough period, and I really wanted to thank her. During our chat on January 10 she told me that she wouldn’t come back too early, because her mom wanted her to stay home a bit longer. There weren’t any classes in the last semester so she didn’t need to come back right away when the new semester began on March 2. I thought she would be back in late March, in April or even May, but she would be back anyway, and I would then tell it to her straight.

She didn’t initiate any more talk to me, and I arbitrarily assumed that it was because she wanted me to focus on the job market. She didn’t want to distract me, so I didn’t approach to talk to her either…

The new semester began on March 2 and I had a brief meeting with our professor for some job advice. He promised to give me whatever help he could possibly gather in order for me to get a job at some other college. I was very grateful to him, of course, and he was like the only other person besides Phoebe who cared about my job issue.

Our professor was very kind to me, just like a friend of mine in some way. He often dissuaded us from having any school love or taking any part-time job because he wanted us to focus on schoolwork, and that was another main reason why I had waited all the time, delayed the “move” time after time…

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Three

I interviewed for a few jobs in March but none of them cranked out any good results, and to make things worse, there were already few good opportunities at that point of time, much less from then on. I really felt worried, I could handle unemployment but I just couldn’t accept the possibility of losing Phoebe, which in my opinion would inevitably take place if I failed to find a good job, much less getting no job at all.

It was already late March and I was still empty-handed. There was a large group interview meeting on our campus in the last week of March and there were said to be some good job opportunities, so I decided to try my luck there. There had been similar meetings in the prior semester but I skipped them all so this was the first such meeting I attended, because I knew that most college job opportunities would came between February and April. I didn’t pay much attention to other types of jobs because I knew back then that Phoebe wanted to work at college, I initially planned to look for college jobs with her, interviewing for those jobs one after another… I didn’t really even start looking for jobs until Phoebe signed with the P Company, to be honest.

I cast my resume to quite a few employers but most of them were middle schools or private education ins utes, not the ones I most desired. There was only one employer that really appealed to me, but as you could tell, the most appealing job might also be the most difficult to acquire. It was a research ins ute, and it was my biggest interest to do some researching work. I didn’t quite like teaching, to be honest. I only wanted to work at college because a college teacher often has a lot of research to do.

I didn't expect any positive response due to the severe compe ion, of course, and it would later turn out that I only received one interview invitation out of all the 20 some resumes I cast that day. And the invitation was from the research ins ute.

It was a rainy day when the interview was schedule, but thankfully dad had a day off so he could drive me there. I also got driver’s license but I just didn’t quite like driving into downtown area which was always so damn crowded.

I didn’t wear no suit, just the common clothes I wore everyday. The interview progressed gracefully for me and I could tell that the interviewers really wanted to hire me because of my mixed education background. I got a bachelor’s degree in physics and a master’s in literature, weird and rare combination, to be honest. They thought I fit the job much better than other candidates, when the interview was over I was nearly sure that I would get that offer.

And indeed, the very next day I received a phone call from that ins ute… I never thought it could be so fast and so easy, it was less than a week ago when they first received my resume and now they were offering me a job. Finally I also got a job, a really very good one, and more importantly it meant the permission for me to finally make the “move”. I sealed the paperwork right away, get it all done in one day, and then, the very next day, I thought it was time for me to “ask her out”.

I greeted her on twitter, the first talk between us since January, and told her that I had found a job and described it briefly. I couldn't wait to tell her the good news. I wanted to make sure that she was the first of all our classmates to know it. She congratulated me, of course, but said nothing else. I thought maybe she was still at home because it was only early April, but when I asked her about it I learned that she was already back in town, she had been back for quite a while now…

At that moment, I got an ominous feeling somehow…

I asked her when she had come back, but she didn't even answer it straight, she just said she’d been back for a while… she didn’t sound interested at all talking to me, to be honest. I felt lightheaded... I really didn’t know what to say next. Again, it was Phoebe who broke the silence just like it usually happened last summer. But from her tone, somehow, I felt as if the one I was chatting with was not the same Phoebe I knew from last year.

She asked me what kind of research ins ute it was, and of course I told her some further details. I was really glad that she wanted to know more about the ins ute I was going to work at, because it probably meant that she still liked, or at least cared about me. She even asked me when I was going to report duty. “Late July, I think. And you?” I asked.

“October maybe… the first week after the CPA tests.” She responded.

“So… what’re you busy with these days?”

“I’m writing my thesis, and after getting it done I’ll start to study something about accounting.”

I didn’t know what the to say next… and again she broke the silence.

“Um… is your job related to physics?” She asked.

“Yeah sure, I guess that’s exactly why I got it.”

“Sounds good, all you’ve learned are going to be used. Unlike me, I have to learn everything from beginning…”

“Why do you choose such a tough road though? There’re still many school job opportunities available, don’t you wanna have a try?” I asked her.

“I just wanna focus on my preparation for CPA exams so I’m not gonna look for any other jobs, I don’t wanna be distracted… It’s not easy at the beginning of everything, but when you’ve get through it the road ahead will be smooth.”

There was another long silence after that response from her. And once again she broke the silence with a second straight message.

“It’s just like, one has a lot to learn during the process of leaving school and going into the society. The society is complex but it doesn’t mean one can stay at school forever without working… In fact, everyone is learning painfully.”

I could see some deep meanings in her second message… I thought it was that, she was summoning me to “act”. And I also thought that, yes, I had waited long enough.

“Yes, you’re right… So… When you feel tired of studying, could you please go out for a jaunt with me?” I wrote this message as a method of “asking her out”, though in a not-so-straight manner, the meaning was delivered clearly enough, I thought.

“Thanks, I’m feeling good as of late, maybe sometime later…” She responded.

Maybe she wanted me to ask more directly? I thought, but I didn’t want or dare to think the other way around…

“OK, I’ll talk to you later, bye…”

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Four

I didn't want to ask her out right away… she said she felt good as of late, so I decided to wait another week or so. I wanted to schedule it for April 19. It was on November 19 when we went to that college for job interview, and the number 19 had been a number of special meanings to me since then.

So, after a week of silence, I finally made up my mind to contact her on twitter on Saturday night, April 18, asking if she had time tomorrow. My fingers were almost trembling, yet I still managed to hit the “send” button somehow.

“Do you have time tomorrow? I want to meet you…”

She didn’t reply immediately, and I was worried as . Did she just ignore my message on purpose? I waited about half an hour, no response, and another half hour, still no reply… Was she hanging out with her friends so she didn’t see my message, or even having a date with some guy? I couldn’t dare to think that way any further… So I logged out my twitter and began to play some video game to kill the long ass waiting time. I played the game for about an hour, and then I felt maybe I should check my twitter again. And to my great delight, I saw her reply…

“I was just having a class which wasn’t over until eight thirty. I won’t have time tomorrow, how about Monday or Tuesday?”

She knew what I was worrying about, so she explained to me about the delay. I felt relieved seeing that message, but I couldn’t see any delight between the lines of her words. Was she trying to act cool? She sounded indifferent but… I didn’t want to think about anything else, nor did I dare to.

“Fine, I’ll then contact you later, Monday or Tuesday. Have a good night, bye.”

At that moment I really thought that she accepted my proposal, and I was very optimistic about my upcoming “date” with her, with the Lunar Goddess who had appeared in my dreams almost every damn night since July last year.

I made a thorough plan about my first “date”, and I had a whole Sunday to prepare for it. I went to some restaurants nearby to check the environments and select a few favorite options, and I even drove to several places of interest in our city in case she wanted to visit them. I planned to ask her out the very next day, on Monday, but the plan had to be changed when I received a call from my professor. He asked me to edit my paper as quickly as possible. Although he didn’t set any deadline, I wanted to get it all done on Monday so I’d be able to go fresh-handed for Phoebe the next day. I didn’t want anything to possibly distract me on the day which might be the most important day in my lifetime.

So, I contacted her on twitter again on Monday night. I asked her if she had time tomorrow, I wanted to meet her… almost the same thing I said on Saturday night.

“OK, I’ll be at school tomorrow.” She replied.

I knew she would say OK, and my optimism and hope were further stoked. I felt so elated that night I could hardly fall asleep because I was going to see Phoebe, big time… what I had dreamed of countless times was going to come true tomorrow.

She didn’t sound too delighted, not enthusiastic at all. Maybe she had experienced such things before, I thought. She had a relationship previously, or even more than one, but that was the least I cared at the moment.

I spent nearly the whole damn night thinking about what would be proper to say to her. Should I propose a dinner or something first, or say straight that I love her? I was really out of ideas I had never tried such things before, seriously talking.

I shaved my face the night before, and it was the first time I used a razor. I only used scissors to cut my beard before. It seemed that I wanted to try as many first times as I could before my most vital “first time”.

I got up very early the night morning. I washed my face and brushed my teeth neatly, I wanted to present the best me when I met Phoebe again, the first time after about five months.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Five

I arrived at school around 10am in the morning. I thought maybe she needed some time for makeup, and she was so busy during the weekend maybe she wanted to get up a bit later than usual on Monday and Tuesday when she was free. I sent her a text message first, but didn’t receive no reply, 5 minutes later, 10 minutes, 15 minutes… About twenty minutes later, I decided to give her a phone call, only to find that the number was invalid… She no longer used that number, it appeared like. Why didn’t she tell me that she had changed her phone number?

My cellphone was too old to access the internet, so I had to go straight to the public computer room to contact her online. I walked through the rows like two or three rounds but damn it, I couldn’t find any empty seats. I went out, taking a few deep breaths and then back again into the computer room. This time, thankfully, I found a computer that was not being used, though there was no seat next to it. I had to stand there while using the computer, but I couldn’t care less about it. I just wanted to build contact with Phoebe as soon as possible.

I downloaded the android simulator and the installation was so slow like it would take a decade. And finally, the installation was done and I got to log in my twitter account…

“I’ve already arrived at school. Where are you? I’m gonna go where you’re.” I sent her a message.

“I’m in the library.” She replied.

“Library, good, I’m in the library too, which floor are you on though? The fourth floor…?” I asked her.

“Second floor, I’m in the public computer room.”

Damn, I thought. I’d been here for about half an hour now, having walked through the rows a couple of times but I didn’t see any familiar face here, and the computer numbers were very limited after the refurbishment. Was she ting me around?

“I’m also in this room, but why I haven’t seen you yet?” I looked around right after sending the message, but still couldn’t find anyone I knew.

I looked back at the screen, checked her words… yeah, she indeed said she was here. I wiped my eyes and looked around again, and finally I saw someone waving at me. I thought it was Phoebe, of course it was her, but she looked quite different than the one I saw last time, not even remotely the same as the one I saw on the morning of November 19. Maybe she didn't have any makeup today, but her facial look has changed a lot in the past months. Yes, five months were long enough for a lot of things to be changed…

Her face was still white, even without makeup, and the natural look of her face looked even better with the slight reddishness… It was really her, indeed, but I felt nothing seeing that face again, nothing but nervousness.

“For how long have you been here?” I asked.

“Since 9am, I think. I’ve been here since then all the time…” She said.

She had been here long before I arrived, but she didn’t see me? Could it be possible? Or was it possible that, she intentionally ignored me?

“But… haven’t you seen me yet?” I asked her. I had walked right past her a few times, and I was wearing the jacket I usually wore, the same one I wore on November 19, so there was no of way that she could neglect me…

“Nope…” She replied. Was she really so focused on her work that she didn’t see me at all when I passed her by just a few inches away? Or was she just lying, indicating that she didn’t give a damn about me at all? I should’ve known it, should’ve saved myself some face by walking the right away. But I didn’t… even if I knew I couldn’t succeed. Those past ominous memories popped out of my head all at once, and I already knew that the result awaiting me may probably not be a good one. But still, I couldn’t leave without an answer. I wanted to get the answer straightly out of Phoebe’s mouth.

“What’s the matter?” Phoebe asked. She knew damn well why I came to school that day, but she still asked deliberately.

“I… I want to… to invite you to have a dinner… with me, could you…?” I couldn’t even put up a complete sentence.

“So… you come here today just to ask me out for a dinner?”

“Yeah and… I have something to say to you.” I noticed that she didn’t say anything right away, I thought maybe she wanted me to go for the point, so I continued tentatively “I… you know, all those poems I wrote were written for you, Goddess…” It was the first ever time I referred to her as “Goddess”, and it’d turn out to be the last time as well.

[Franklin]

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Well, Frank, lets go outside to talk, OK?” She began to stand up carefully. She walked gingerly in front of me and led both of us out of the room, out of the building…

“Frank, I know it but… I don’t really have that meaning, I never meant so…”

Those words sounded cold as in my ears. Although I had more or less been prepared, they still pierced my heart like a sharp sword.

“You never meant so, never at all?” I asked her in a serious voice.

“Maybe I’ve done or said something that made you misunderstood me, but I really never…”

“You lie.” I felt I was brave and bold like Joe Wilson at the moment. How I wished I had acted this bold a year ago, or even six months ago. “Tell me the truth, Phoebe. I know there was a time when you… you really liked me, right? Tell me the truth” I insisted.

She didn’t say anything, but responded with a few slightest nods… and a wan smile on her face.

I smiled too, “OK, that’s good enough for me. You once liked me…” I really didn’t know what to say at the moment. I was right, she once liked me, and if I acted bold back then she would’ve probably already been my girlfriend.

“But Frank, I no longer have such feeling for you now.” She paused for a moment and continued, “I must be responsible for you, and also for me, so I don’t want to impose such a relationship on us… We’re just not the right types for each other.”

“So what’s the right type for you?” I asked her.

“I want some sociable guy… you’re a good person, I know. You’re a local dude with such good education background. You will find someone you like, someone who really fits you.”

She knew what a person I was from the very beginning. If she thought I was not the right type then why did she flirt with me then? And she didn't even want to admit that she flirted with me or liked me, once upon a time.

“But, you’re the one I like… I’m a bit introvert so I want to find some lively girl, just like you, and I think our personalities can complement each other well.”

“That’s just how you think. Maybe you’ve found someone that fits your criteria exactly, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee any success.”

“But you once liked me, right? You admitted it.” I asked again.

“Yes, but that’s past form already… it takes the right people, right place and the right time to make a successful relationship, it’d be impossible without any one of them.”

“So, if I had acted bold in November, the result would’ve been completely different, right?”

She turned her head away, with some painful expression of her face. She remained silent for a few seconds, then said it again “That’s all past… we can’t go back to a past time point…”

It was hard to say whether it was she who rejected me, or the other way around. She once liked me and was waiting me to act, but I acted like a damn wimp and didn’t act until her interest was completely gone. I left her out cold first, and now I just got fed my own bitter medicine.

“Sorry, Phoebe, it was totally my fault…” I apologized to her.

She waved her head and said “No, don’t say that, Frank. You’re a good person, and there’re rare such persons like you today who’re so faithful to love…”

“Thanks…” I waved my head too with a wan smile. “But… may I ask… when did you start to give up on me, when was my last chance?” I had to ask her those questions, on what could be our last face-to-face chat in our lifetimes.

“You know, when I began to respond to you reluctantly…” She responded.

“You mean around the time you signed with the P Company? You got such a good job so you started to look down upon me?” I asked.

“NO. It doesn’t have anything with the job, not at all. You don’t really understand me, Frank.” She said, “I have a few roommates from undergraduate school all of whom came from the rural areas, they’re just little teachers back in our small hometown but we’re still very good friends.”

“Well, sorry. So it was indeed my fault. I left you out waiting too long, you once liked me but I let you down.” I paused for a moment and continued, “But still thank you anyway, for giving me the spiritual support that helped me through the dark January and February…”

“I didn't give you no support, Frank.” She said with a fake smile, “what have I done to make you think so?”

“You changed your twitter signature according to my poems… you still care about me, at least…”


“When… and what signature did I wrote?” She just didn't wanna admit it.

“In February…” I didn’t wanna argue with her, you could never win an argument over a woman, to be honest. “I just wanna know where I may have done wrong, Phoebe, I wanna learn a lesson from it so I won’t make the same mistakes again. Have I done something wrong on November 19? Or something wrong just now?” I knew she had made the decision a long time ago, but just didn’t know exactly when she made the decision.

“Maybe, next time you find a girl you like, you should act more actively, Frank, if anything.” She gave me this advice. Some of my friends and even my mom gave me the same advice last summer… I should’ve listened to them.

All of a sudden, this one idea came to my head, and I asked right away “Hmm… do you already have a boyfriend?”

“Nope.” She said, waving her head.

“You’ll find someone ten times better than me, there’re many elite dudes at the P Company.”

“I told you it has nothing to do with job.” She paused for a moment, and asked “So, have you ever liked any girl before?”

“Yes, like I wrote in Stranger in Hometown. There was a girl I had a crush on during high school, but she didn’t respond to me at all. Maybe, I think, if you don’t like me you ought to do the same…”

“No, I just responded to you as a friend should do.” She said, “It’s just common story every graduation season, there’re heartbreaking breakups everywhere.”

“So, do you have any relationships before?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“And why did you break up with him?”

“He went to a western state… he found a job over there… and I didn’t really like him too much, to tell the truth.”

“So…” I really didn’t know what else to talk about, but I didn’t want to end the talk so soon… “So, we’re still friends, aren’t we?”

“Of course, we are.” She said genuinely. “We’re classmates and we’re friends.”

“Even after graduation?”

“Sure. It’s God’s arrangement.”

It was already lunch time and we didn't seem to have much more to talk about. But still it seemed neither of us wanted to end it… finally it was me who put an end to the hour-long embarrassment.

“Sorry for wasting so much of your time, Phoebe.” I apologized.

“It doesn’t matter. So you’re going back right away?”

“No, I’ll go back to the computer room to shut the computer.”

We went back to the classroom together, and said goodbye to each other…

[Franklin]

The Last Chapter

The most useful info I got from our talk was that, she once liked me. But it only made me feel even more painful… it was MY mistake that broke two hearts, both hers and mine. It must also be a painful process for her as well to make the ruthless decision, I thought. But I believed… I believed that she still liked me, even to the slightest extent.

She acted cold on me. She wanted to convince me that she never liked me at all, so I would feel a bit better. She knew we were not the right ones for each other, but she also knew that I still liked her so much, so she needed to find a way to get rid of it all.

Maybe she should also take part of the blame. She should’ve had faith in me. She should’ve read my poems carefully to keep reminding herself how much she was being loved. So when I finally proposed it to her, she would’ve said yes. And we would start to live a happy life together just like most fairy tale stories. But… she didn’t have faith in me? She knew how damn faithful I was, she knew it even better than myself did. It was my inactivity that left her cold and broke her heart, really?

I thought about all the possibilities, over and over again, but still couldn’t decide which was the correct answer.

Just like my friend Brian predicted, she decided to move on a long time ago, but I had no idea what time the decision was made. So was it my procrastination that wore out her patience, or something else? She told me that our personalities didn't fit, she was gregarious and outgoing and me very quiet, but this can be understood in two opposite ways. Our characteristics may complement each other very well, but she didn't agree. I said it was my fault that I hesitated all the time and finally let her down, but she said it was not the case. And when I said it was the P Company job that made the difference, she refused to admit it either. But I could tell it was just around the time when she signed with the P Company that her at ude to me seemed to have changed, drastically.

She said to me that she didn't have no feeling for me now (which is probably true). But a more important reason, I fathom, is that I don't have the resources to satisfy her desires. She's gonna work at the P Company where most of her senior colleagues make 10 times more than what I'm expected to earn, and apparently she is convinced that she can find a better dude over there. I should've quit it all as soon as I knew she signed with P Company, to be honest.

She must have known what I was going for that day, so she prepared the words carefully to turn me down, I could tell, all those bull pretexts she concocted. There was a time when I could've succeeded if I acted bold, but that time was long gone just as she said, and it may not be a bad thing for me. She's probably just not the right one for me, I want some girl who has strong faith in love but obviously she doesn't seem to have it, and yes there are few such girls in the world today so maybe it's just my fate to be a lifelong celibate. I just wanted to live an average life, as an average person, but she has much higher expectations, much higher than where I can ever get my hands to.

She said I'm a good person and that people like me who're so faithful to love are very rare in the world today. She also had a hard time rejecting me, I could tell from her facial expressions. She denied everything, she refused to admit she cared about me.

I had some ideal expectations for our future, OUR future, but they were ruthlessly shattered by the cruel reality. In an ideal world maybe she would've chosen me, but in this monetary world she had many more things to consider. I’m a bit too childish and after the months’ of wimpy act, she is already convinced that I’m not the person who can give her happiness. She may still admire me as a person, but not as a competent potential boyfriend, much less a good husband.

I shall take my own share of blame too, of course. I should've shown her my pure love with real actions but not blank words, and it was my relentless hesitance that made a girl who once liked me lose her patience finally. She, as a friend of mine, suggested me that I should act more actively and boldly next time I find a girl I like. She is still very kind to me, but only as a friend now... I'm still naive like a kindergarten kid when it comes to love, maybe things would've been completely different if I had listened to my friends’ advice when the iron was still hot. But in my opinion, everything that seems bad now may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Maybe I have done something wrong, or said something wrong that broke her heart, or maybe she declined me for some other reason. But anyway, she decided to move on a long time ago, and now it's my time to move on...

I had always been a celibate before falling in love for her, and now she just beat me back to what I was. Life has returned to its normal usual state for me, and Phoebe is gonna pursue her own desired lifestyle. And I don’t wanna say I reaped nothing from the past more than half a year’s emotional devotion. I reaped experience and learned a golden lesson, and most of all I have such a great friend now whose name is Phoebe, who in my eyes is the next generation of Hillary Oldham Clinton. And I want to send her my best wishes even though I know I’ll never be her Bill.

[spurraider21]

i promise that nobody reads these

[Avante]

i promise that nobody reads these

Dude, shut the up.

[TDMVPDPOY]

Franklin

in china, promotion by sexual services is very rampant man

will you be happy ur gf is sleeping all the way up at ur cuckold expense?....some guys today dont care, as long someone brings home the money whatever way it takes...